Projecting

Is my mood that crappy today that it made the desert wake up to freezing temperatures and sleet/snow?

I couldn't sleep last night, and although I should be used to it like an insomniac, there's nights you just wish you could be like everyone else and get some shut eye once your head hits the pillow. Not me. My mind was racing about nothing, really. Mostly I had this feeling of dread that made my stomach shiver, my teeth chatter and I was very weepy. If I were normal, I'd say 'Oh! Must be that time of the month again!' But no, usually those times are characterized with horrible back and leg pain and fever. Lovely. Too much info? You read it!

Anywho, I was thinking about how bad last November was. This one is not nearly as gut wrenching as last year's, but as much as I've fought it, I don't think I can anymore. Usually, well no, lately I've been trying to feed myself and others the whole "you can't seep into that depression forever" crap. It's actually true and for one's own benefit to do so. However, I have to remember that it is okay to want to curl up and die every now and then. I don't have to be a ball of joy all the time I guess. It's okay to be sad, angry, indifferent. Perhaps it's the brain's way of purging, locking down, anything to keep you out of a straight jacket.

So that's how my night went, with the increadible need to purge. Crying wasn't doing anything but making me feel stupid. Being angry would take too much energy. I wanted to talk about my grandma, and I needed to hear my grandpa's voice. That lead to the fear I usually have that the next time I'll see grandpa, it'll be in a coffin. Maybe I can afford to go next year? I hope he's still there. I wanted to talk about my cousins, and growing up an only child. I turned out pretty okay for being raised by 6 older boy cousins with big hair and Iron Maiden/Whitesnake posters on the wall. I'm so increadibly sad today, and I just feel like sitting at Denny's and drinking coffee and just looking at people walk by.

I hate the holidays, they make me sad. They always do. Even when I was little, Christmas time just pestered me to no end. Maybe I've always had that intuitive side of me, even as a little nerd with MicroMachines in her pocket, that knew I had to fight against another year ending. I had to fight at night, because another day was ending. Time was flying by, and I was steadily moving away from the things that held my heart. Maybe it's because I went to sleep, and when I woke up grandma was gone and I didn't get to say bye. I hate the night, I hate the dark, I hate being alone in a crowded world. But I'm always up at night, in the dark, trying to fix everyone's world one day at a time. I need a pick me up.

The horrible day was too much to take today, so I had to come home from lunch and write. Because I can't cry at work. Because I feel stupid for being sad when my life could be much worse. Maybe I'll feel better later in the month...because so far, December is kicking my ass into a hybernating ball of 'meh'.

P.S. I miss that Waffle Crisp cereal POST used to have out years ago. Tasted like little maple waffles floating in my milk. I bought Kellogg's Eggo cereal recently, it's quite tasty...but it's no Waffle Crisp. Maybe I'll have waffles at Ihop.

Yes indeed I'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
I can't find in between
cause I've been with witches
and I have been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out any way
so for now it's just another lonely day hey hey
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day...

- Ben Harper ,"Another Lonely Day"