Again, dammit.

I always find myself here, repeating my dad's history.

My dad never knew how to manage money, and always spent more than he KNEW he had just to make others happy. To feel like he busted his ass in a full time job, and had something to show for it.

The mistake was that he was often overdrawn, and continuously declaring himself bankrupt. Mostly credit card debts, some small loans. Small amounts of money to survive from one paycheck to the other.

I am him. Trying hard not to be, but I am my father's daughter. I don't spend large amounts of money on petty things...not often. Most of it I spend it taking my family out to eat every now and then, in books, and little things here and there. The problem is I pay my bills and forgot I paid them, and I rarely RARELY keep track on my checkbook of what my actual bank balance is.

In the past 2 months, I've gone from owning 5 guitars, to my last two. An acoustic and an electric. I'm down to the bare essentials. One of each. One for my lessons (electric) and one for practicing (acoustic). I don't want to have to sell my acoustic guitar, my baby, for a fraction of what it cost (like the $1200 limited edition acoustic Martin I sold for $300 last month) because I have no money for gas until payday. Gas and food. There's not even milk here to snarf some cereal. And yet...

Selling my Ibanez and my ATT Bold currently, for not even near what they usually go for. I'm writing so I won't cry. But it's no use. I'm a loser like my dad was before he learned his lesson. So I guess I'll cry for a while, then read the $15 book that probably sent me overdraft initially. So I'll cry while I read it.

I fucking loathe myself.