What To Do?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."- Neil Gaiman

Onward.

Two For One Special

The first one...

I was walking around a city at night...it looked like SoHo, Lower Manhattan. Tall, brick buildings everywhere lit by rows of white Christmas lights. I walked by a few cafes where couples and friends sat with their glasses of wine and coffee cups...they looked like a scene from a movie. The air felt cold, crisp...like that week after Thanksgiving up in the Northeast. Sirens started blaring, and the wind picked up. People started shouting about a tornado headed our way...and I lost my grip on your hand. The sea of people running down the street, as if they could outrun whatever was coming our way, trapped me against an alley and I just saw the back of your head as you ran the direction they were headed. I called your name, screamed it...but there was just darkness and when I opened my eyes again...we were in a forest. We left a nice hotel for a walk. You, my parents, my aunt, a few friends. We stumbled upon a big lake, that had a violent whirlpool in the middle that spread almost to its edges. We tip toed around the edge of the water, careful not to get any deeper than our calves. The sirens started blaring again, and I remember thinking "What's going on with the world? Storms everywhere...Where can we go?" In my musings, I noticed I was the only one that had made it to the hotel. By then, they were evacuating all the guests into the basement. I shouted your name...always yours first. Nothing. I called out for my parents, aunt...any one of our friends. No one I knew was in the group of people. I feared the worst...that I had run off and left everyone I loved behind. I ran back out and instead of a tornado, I ran into a blizzard that had dumped 4 feet of snow all around me. In some places I took a step and was up to my neck, digging myself out to keep running. I called everyone's name. Just the howling wind answered. As I was about to turn around and head back to the hotel, I took a step and broke through ice...slush...and felt an incredible force pushing me away from some trees and into a clearing. The whirlpool. I started swimming as hard as I could, but I kept getting pulled under...the edge of the lake looked farther...and I just let go.

The second one...

I was laying in bed, in a tiny apartment on top of a hill. I just remember the breeze coming through the window, playing with pale yellow curtains. There was a knock on the door and a little girl dropped off some plush toys for me. They looked used and some where broken. She didn't say a word, just put them all at my feet and took off running. I put them all on my bed, and got dressed in a black, laced up dress. I walked down cobblestone streets into town, and met up with other people that were also dressed up. We all headed up into a coliseum, dressed in our finest, but with a somber feeling...scared. In the middle of a coliseum there were torches lit surrounding a pool of black water. In between each torch there were throne like chairs with shackles where the feet would go and spikes where the wrists were to be tied onto the chair. I saw everyone ease into the pool, methodically undressing and wearing only a white robes. Everyone acted like it was a single's mixer...I didn't recognize anyone...so I limited myself to watching what everyone was doing. Couples found each other right away. Boys were boys, picking on some girls. I was terrified...the place was too quiet...only our voices echoed. The water was too dark...I couldn't reach the bottom. We were all the same age...it was unnerving. A tall, tanned guy with curly hair down to his shoulders swam and held on to the edge of the pool next to me. We both looked at people, in silence and he whispered "So want to kiss?" I shook my head, looking up at him confused as to why a complete stranger would ask that. He said "You have to pick someone...or you'll be killed. People that aren't picked or end up with someone are killed off..." My heart started beating fast and my eyes searched the whole coliseum, pool...surroundings for your face. You were there, I felt it. The way I know you're never far off. I couldn't see you. Still, I took a gamble and said "I'm with someone here, he'll come forward when the time comes." The guy shook his head and swam off to find someone else. Just then a horn signal blared and I saw everyone jumping out of the pool and picking a chair. Girl, boy, girl, boy...that's how we sat. Then, a man came out wearing a black robe. Strong. Tattooed with markings. Teeth that were sharp...shaven down to look like fangs. He had a cynical smile, eyeing us all one by one. He walked past me, grabbed my chin and let out a small chuckle. My stomach balled up. First he asked for everyone that already had a partner beforehand or had found someone that wanted to be with for good, to get up, grab their hand and leave the room. Out of almost 100 of us there...only 17 of us were left. 17 of us that hadn't been picked, or hadn't picked someone else. The man in the black robe asked the guy to my left to pick someone. The young man refused, said the woman he loved wasn't in the crowd and he was faithful only to her. The man in the robe let out a dry laugh and said "Everyone, pay attention, our friend here says he doesn't want anyone here..." in a mocking voice. Some of the people left laughed nervously and in a fraction of a second, I saw the young man being kicked into the black pool. Except he had been lit on fire and the water did nothing to turn it off. I ran to the edge of the pool, screaming at him to sink in the water to see if that helped, telling him to swim towards me so I could pull him out and help. But his blood-curling screams drowned my own and soon he was just floating in the water, still on fire. The man grabbed me by my shoulder and it burned, his fingertips were fire. He shoved me back on my chair and said it was my turn. I looked around desperately, and still couldn't find your face...I was running out of time. The guy to my right grabbed my hand and plead, "Please. Pick me. I'll love you and be good to you. We can be happy. Please. Hurry. I don't want to see you burn." I looked at him...handsome, bright blue eyes, pale skin and black hair slicked back. He meant it. He was beautiful, and looked like he had a sweet heart...and he was pleading for me to kiss him and choose him. To save us both. I looked back at the man in the back robe again, his grin fixed in place and dead eyes drilling into mine. Then out of the corner of my eye, standing behind him, I saw you. I felt my chest burst in relief and happiness. I turned to the young man to my right and said "I'm sorry. I pick him. He's mine. I'm his. I love him. I pick him." The young man looked broken and said "Please. Are you sure? Are you really sure?" I looked back at you again, and you had an unreadable smile on...almost arrogant. I fought away the feeling in my stomach...warning me to think it through. "Yes. I pick him." The man in black said "Once you pick, you cannot change. That is your final choice. It doesn't matter if your love is not returned...you cannot go back and pick anyone else. Are you sure?" I nodded, let out my breath and shrunk back in my chair. The man moved out of the way and turned to you, behind him. He asked you, who was your choice. You pointed at her, next to you. She gave me a smirk, then turned to kiss you deeply. You both kissed, and I don't remember much but saying No...screaming it...over and over. You both walked in front of me, hand in hand, and the rest of the people in the room were full blown laughing at me and calling me names. Stupid. Naive. Burn. Stupid...I had been blind. I couldn't turn around. I made my choice. You had made yours. I saw you both walk away, kissing and I kept screaming your name. But you didn't look back at me once, almost like you couldn't hear my voice. All of a sudden it was like I was watching you guys walk away but from wherever you were headed. Both your faces. I could also see myself screaming your name in the background, on my knees, as my clothes was being torn off and the man in black lifted a sword to bring down to my neck. The last time I screamed your name, I saw a flicker of life come to your eyes and you wake up from a daze...shaking your head and recognizing my voice...finally...and horror showing in your face as you turned around only to find the door being closed behind you. It was too late.

Two nightmares a night is becoming the norm...and they all tell the same story...I'm waiting for the sun to start shining again. It has to. Maybe.

I Tried.

I lit a candle and watched it burn down to nothingness. I listened. I tried. I fought. I cried. I laughed. I hugged. I loved. I simply, waited. Now, I bow out.