Maybes

My feet were tangled, with my thin flannel sheet wrapped around them. I kicked hard, trying frantically to free myself, and my arms reached out into nothingness at the same time. I was looking for something, someone, anything. Suddenly, I was falling and there was nothing I could do to stop it. What felt like a long free fall, was actually just a 2ft fall from the couch to the floor...landing hard on my side with my wrist twisted the opposite way. I felt it pop and gasped out in pain. I laid there for a few minutes, letting the pain in my wrist slowly subside -at least it wasn't broken- and allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness around me. My hand good hand reached over to the dull, green blinking light a few feet from my head. A swift slide of my thumb and the screen on my phone came to life, temporarily blinding me, but showing me the time. 2:25 a.m.

I crawled back up and got on the couch, staring at the ceiling...or where I know the ceiling is...since it was pitch black. My mind drifted to the reason I woke up in a panic.

I had been walking through a park in Pennsylvania, down a long path lined with orange and red trees. My favorite season engulfed me, and the cold air nipped at my nose. I hurried along, hands in my pockets and my black combat boots crunched the leaves underneath my feet. All of a sudden I heard her talking next to me, coming out of nowhere. I looked over and it was my sister Cathy, wearing a gorgeous dark green coat and a Kermit the Frog beanie. She reached for my hand and I held on to her cold fingers as we kept walking into the forest. She said it was a weird year, a year for growth and for change. She walked with me all the way to the edge of a noisy stream, picked up my hand and kissed my fingers, slowly, one by one. Her green eyes peered into mine, and I felt a cold run up my spine. She whispered, "Keep your eyes open, gorgeous. Don't get lost trying to chase ghosts." Just like that, she disappeared between the trees and the leaves around me rustled eerily.

I crossed the stream, it wasn't deep. The water was cold, but my feet stayed dry...I only assumed the water was cold because my toes felt cooler as I walked through it. When I reached the other side, I looked around me and it had started snowing. The snow had this iridescence quality to it, so it looked like everything was covered in purplish pink cotton candy. He stepped out into the clearing, dressed in black...all black and a gray baseball cap. He rubbed his hands together, blowing into them, shaking off the cold and snow. He seemed happy to see me, and walked up to me, giving me a tight hug. I tried kissing him, but he turned his face and just gave me a sad smile while whispering "Let's go for a walk, Yar." My stomach churned, and some crows made a ruckus in the distance. He tugged at my hand, it seems I had slowed down. "You already know what I'm going to say, though, don't you." I simply nodded, and waited. "I just had certain plans I wanted to achieve in life, babe. Maybe I'm not meant to want more. Maybe happiness is relative. I want to work on some projects and...well starting over in life would never allow me to accomplish them. Maybe things aren't bad enough to go chasing after 'maybes', ya know?" I swallowed hard and nodded rapidly, looking at my feet as we walked further away...the stream was barely audible by now. I wiped the tears off and I heard him sigh.

When I looked up to say something, he was about 100 yards away and getting farther. I called after him and was torn between chasing...and letting go. I tried lifting my foot, and roots had coiled around it...around both my legs, actually. I struggled to break free, but I started to slide down a hill. I called out his name, he was close enough to hear me still, surely. No answer. I slid faster and a root snaked around my neck as the other ones pulled me by my feet. I reached out and as I fell off the side off the cliff, I felt his foot stomp down on my hand to hold me in place off the side...My wrist popped. I looked up, and once he made sure our eyes had connected, he lifted his foot and I fell into darkness...

And woke up on the floor, with a sore wrist and my chest on fire.

It's been a while since the nightmares made their rounds...

For The Love Of Bacon (Untitled Poem)

I ask you if you love me

You say what you love first.

My crazy curly hair

The freckles on my nose

I make a face and laugh.

You snuggle close and sigh,

"I'd give up all I have,

to get lost in those eyes."

My mouth twists in doubt,

and you just continue...

"I love your artful soul,

the song that lives within you...

The way you give your love

to anyone who'll have it.

Your toes, your hands, your voice

your every little habit.

The way you see the world,

your mind, how it shines through.

That silly hat, your twirl,

The passion you exude.

But most of all I love

What I mean to you.

The way you say my name,

that YOU love me, too."

Reluctantly conceeding

to your lengthy proclamation.

"Fine, you win", I say,

"Now let's go grab some bacon."

~ Yari

How YOU Lost Your Friend

Hello,

Even that 'hello' seems like a forced greeting, since you simply deserve for me to spit on your face and nothing more.

I want to start by stating a simple thing. I am 27 years old, and I've been able to form my own thoughts and decisions for quite a long time. So if you think I'm writing this because someone else is pulling my strings or trying to pin me against you (i.e. your WIFE. Woman you married and are married to, yet continue to disrespect and treat like a tyrant), you are wrong. I know, I know. You're sitting there shaking that empty, retarded head of yours thinking you're the victim and the world just doesn't understand a complex individual like you...Complex. Can you even spell that word? Moron. You still, to this day, blame ME and HER for the dissolution of our friendship. How is it my fault? Are you still telling people left and right, telling her, that *I* chose to end this friendship? I chose to walk away? I chose to not talk to you anymore? How is it HER fault? Did you really think your true identity would be kept secret from me? Your WIFE didn't have to tell me ANYTHING about you that I didn't already know. Your actions speak for themselves. Loud and clear. You're a monster, a liar, a scumbag, a waste of perfectly good oxygen, a waste of tax payer dollars...yes...a huge pile of garbage.

So, Step One: Stop thinking your life is a joke and you lost me as a friend because of any other reason that wasn't YOU. YOU did this. YOU. YOU pushed me to the point that I HATED even knowing you existed. I hated that I ever associated with someone like you. I'm embarrassed to even remember the period of my life you were in it. You treated ME in the most disrespectful way I could ever imagine...and I took it. For months. Day in and day out. Until I realized you are NOBODY. Nothing. Insignificant speck. Guess what? All your Twitter "buddies and gals", they all realize what and who you are...one by one. So keep nurturing those relationships and discarding true people in your life that have been there when no one else was. I can't WAIT to see you fall and see your pathetic life out in the open for all to see.

Step Two: What I really, really wanna do is tell your new 'friend'...that I was there. A year ago. I bet she doesn't know all the dirty stunts you've pulled and people you've manipulated for years, does she? Does she know how you've treated your wife for years, when all she did was love you and forgive...and STILL forgive...every day? She has carried your flaws, your blame, your short comings, your mistakes. She goes out into the world every morning and carries YOUR SHAME. You selfish, tiny creature. Does she know how you treated me? The only friend you had that didn't mock you or ridicule you publicly on Twitter? You think all those people you talk to, that reply to you really give you a second thought during the day? Get over yourself. You're not even worth a decent conversation. Yet I made it work. I found ways to talk to you, to get to know you, to support you in your choices to better yourself...Silly me, thinking that once you got a better job you'd stop your pussy whining all day long about how hard you have it. First day at the other job, you're already complaining that your boss is this and that...Forget you. You're a loser. You'll never be happy with anything you have. Even when the GOOD things fall right on your lap, you will shove them off and then complain to whoever will listen about how hard your life has been...

Step 3: Stop HIDING behind a uniform and playing GI Joe. There are millions of men and women who server our country in a respectful manner. Giving their ultimate sacrifice. You use your service as an excuse to complain. You use your service as a sob story to get you laid and get you pats on the back from people that have no idea the evil you're capable of unleashing. And because I know this is your favorite excuse: "I'm like this because the Army made me this way", please, stop it right now. You have ALWAYS been like this. There is NO VALID EXCUSE for the behavior you continue to show the world. I wonder how many people would still look you in the eyes if they knew who you really are...what you are...what you've done. You are a disgrace to those who take their pledge seriously. You are a disgrace to the few of you who really have gotten to know you. You truly are your parents' child. Every last gene of them. Which brings me to this...

I wish I could say I regret meeting you...but meeting you brought to my life one of my best, closest friends: Your wife. Too bad you can't see what you have, what you've had and what you could've had. If you had only grown up, asswipe, you would have gained so much.

My purest sense of joy is that when time has passed...and all of us are old:

I will be happy with what little or much I have.

I will have a handful of friends, including your wife, who I'll share every aspect of my life with.

I will have learned lessons from life and used them to live healthier, full of peace and free.

You will be alone.

You will be plagued with regret, sorrow, bitterness and heartache.

You will have only meant something to your parents (maybe, because you're not much to be proud of) or your sister (because the poor soul just doesn't know any better than to love her brother)...but once they die, no one else on earth will think of you twice.

You WILL sit there and wonder where we all went...and I'll make damn sure that every year, you get a postcard of a smiling me. A smiling her. A smiling few of your friends that gave you a chance to be a better person.

Face it or not, the truth has been coming out slowly to those who have dared to see it. You dug your own grave. And the only tears soaking it, will be your own...

Because in a year from now, that new friend will be gone...and it's up to you to find yourself a new victim. I sincerely hope they all know that...every single new friendship you start.

Oh...and dude...you're not convincing anyone, by the way. Just own it at this point. It makes people roll their eyes and look at you like a piece of pigeon crap every time you truly believe we bought the lie.

The Boob Post! (Cancer Sucks)

It’s okay to write about boobs. It really is. Fun bags. Tatas. Maracas. Melons. Face pillows. Whatever you choose to call them is perfectly acceptable to me. Behold! It’s October, officially making it National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

However, my question to you is this: Why wait a whole year to promote breast health or give a big push for women to give themselves self-exams? Cancer does not wait til October every year to rear its ugly head…so, why should you only check then?

My grandmother was, for lack of better poetic wording, the joy of my life and the backbone of my existence as a child. Strong, bold, stubborn, hard-working, dedicated, selfless, beautiful and full of life. That’s the main one…right there…full of life. She embodied everything life should be. Lived to the fullest, unapologetic…she was the definition of both loving and being in love. Therefore, to see her life ending before my eyes in a little over a year after being diagnosed with breast cancer will forever be one of the most painful things I’ve endured. Yes, I. I’m selfish. I want to talk about how her pain and suffering affected me. Because, in a way, I hold a small grudge against her. She knew she had cancer. For 12 years prior to her death she knew she had a bump in her breast she should’ve taken care of…but she never told anyone. By the time the symptoms got out of hand, the small lump in her breast had now spread to her other breast, her neck and lodged to the bottom of her brain. Was she afraid of going to the doctor? Why didn’t she tell us? Did she not notice it getting bigger every year?

Did she know what it did to us to see the matriarch of a family line…of our little tribe…struggle with the chemo? Did she realize what it was like for those who needed her and looked up to her to see her first, become unable to hold food down? Then her speech slow? Then spend most of her days in a bed? How was I supposed to understand that the same woman who had taught me to cook and fed us all daily, flawlessly making her way through a kitchen, was now using a walker and barely keeping her balance against the counter as she struggled to fry a piece of fish for me in an effort to prove to us (or herself) that she could still do things? How could I process in my goofy pre-teen head, that this human that had taught me most of what I needed to know about life and how to live it…was now laying in a bed in her room…trapped in her own body? She lost all motor skills, all ability to speak and her feeding tube was the only thing keeping her relatively healthy. She’d lay there, feeling pain or maybe wanting to talk, and all I could see was her staring up at us with a few tears in her eyes. Prisoner in her body. Prisoner to cancer. That thing in her breast was as old as I was…and it had been small in the beginning. Maybe a small surgery and a short round of chemo would’ve helped? Maybe not? But she ignored it.

The rest of the details, all the way to the end, are irrelevant. It was the death that can never be forgotten. It was the person that can never be replaced or let go of. If anything, it showed me we’re all breakable, fragile. So, I ask this of you…

You all probably have family members who are selfish, like me. People that will never forgive you for not doing the best you can to keep yourself healthy in order to share a full, happy life with them. If you’re selfish and don’t feel like doing it for you…do it for them.

Squish your boobs! Squish their boobs! Squish your girlfriend’s boobs! Squish everyone’s boobs! If you’re a guy? Squish your boobs too! (Yes, there’s breast cancer in males, too.) The point is don’t be afraid. Save your life…save A life. All year long, squish because you love.

If you’re already battling cancer, stay a survivor. We are all rooting for you. Squish yourself twice for good measure.

Here’s links to great sites about boobies (not porn) and breast cancer boob help!

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org

http://www.nbcam.org/about_nbcam.cfm