Remember...remember, the 6th of December

Today feels more like fall, summer's running away begrudglingly.

Granted, in Texas fall still means warmth, sunny...but breeze settling in and no 100F+ heat beating down on you. Things sort of slow down a bit, even though the new school year starts and swarms of doe-eyed freshmen wander around trying desperately to sort out from the beginning where they fit in on the social scale. I look at some of them and see myself, thinking "good luck, you're gonna need it"...knowing they don't stand a chance against Camaro Ken or Hummer Barbi over there.

I started feeling it about 4 or 5 days ago. This overwhelming sadness, dissillusionment, no ... energy to face anything or anyone. Sleeping pattern is all distorted, which is why I'm probably feeling so drained. It always happens when autumn and winter arrive. I spend those months feeling melancholic over any little reason. Last winter was brutal on me, I thought I would never snap out of it. I didn't feel like eating, smiling...drank a bit more than I should've...no sleep. That's what's beginning to happen again, though I'm really trying to focus on changing it or at least delaying it this year. But it's nothing new. I've been this way since grandma died on Dec 6, when I was 12.

Every year after that it seems the holiday season makes me miss her or makes me feel lonely. Life goes on, people are born and die. We all keep on trudging along. There's something about the cold air hitting me, the holiday decorations, families spending time together, the beauty of seeing nature lay dormant till spring that makes me both love Oct - Mar and feel sad at the same time. Everyone goes through the winter blues at some point I guess, but after 13 years, shouldn't I at least get used to the fact that some things will never return? I miss her dearly, life seemed safer. It was just a random sequence of events that began after she passed that had me wondering "sheesh does it get any worse?!", and the next year it would, in fact be worse.

I'm not a kid anymore. My problems and memories are neither better nor worse than anyone elses. What I do with my life and what happens to me is solely my doing, no sense in blaming anything or anybody for it. I already feel it, the dead feeling creeping in. I already despise my cell phone. I'm already not returning emails. I tend to be dead to the world in winter and curl up in my cocoon. I have friends this year, that's a plus. But will my 'mehness' drive them away? Will they stand by my side? Will I put the extra effort? I'm trying.

It just started way too early this year. I wasn't ready for the pang to hit until maybe October...November. December. It's always worse in December.

We wear our scarves just like a noose

But not 'cause we want eternal sleep

And though our parts are slightly used

New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves

Rummaging for answers in the pages

We're living in a den of thieves

-Regina Spektor