Every now and then I get the joyous phone call from a friend of mine, that leaves me in an aggitated and dumbfounded state of mind for the rest of the day.
She has her kid, a fairly OK life, going to school, a roof over her head - you get the picture. Yet somehow she finds NO joy, not even a teeny tiny bit of it, in anything. She's used to getting everything she wants, she's used to a certain lifestyle and sooo used to attention - from anyone that will give it (resulting in compromising situations and unecessary drama). She's a bit older than me, not too much. Yet, there she is in all her glory refusing to open her eyes and realize real life is NOT a fairy tale nor will it ever be.
There is no soul mate romantic novel love in real life. There is, however, people you fall in love with - for good or bad - and start a relationship with. You hope for the best, things work out or don't, then you either strive to move past the bump on the road or call it quits. Everything you want in life requires effort. She sits there crying on the phone how she's so alone (her babydaddy left her after being treated like shit by her and she ignored him all the time while keeping her head up in the clouds dreaming of Mr. Charming), and how there's nothing good about her, woe is her! I calmly tell her, "what about J (babydaddy)? Have you tried mending that? He loved you, he wasn't perfect, but he loved you". She then goes on a rant about how he didn't understand her and meet her needs and bought her flowers and folded the towels the right way blah blah. I pinch the bridge of my nose, cuz, you know it, the nosebleed is coming.
She then moves on to how she's life's own little joke. Nothing ever goes right, she hates her life. She has nothing, she's so miserable, how I'm not being supportive and telling her what she should do. I tell her what she should do, she then goes off and says she can't do that because abandoning certain habits (the ones CAUSING ALL THE DRAMA!!) because that's all she has left and all she looks forward to. Sigh. She says "I wanna be happy like you! Why can't I have what YOU have?". My voice sort of shakes with anger and before I can stop the word vomit from spewing at her, I blurt out "You think my life's perfect? That I'm happy? What kind of person are you? How selfish can you be? Don't you realize you're not the one you should be thinking about anymore? You're lil daughter is sitting there playing on the floor by herself demanding your attention, and you're involved in endless gossip and drama and texting and just plain ole ignoring her. You have a CHILD. Someone who NEEDS you to GROW THE FUCK UP and realize, HEY! What do you know! This IS all there is to life!!! I refuse to believe you're life is miserable 24/7. Refuse it. We're all tired, we're all dealing with pressures. We're losing houses, spouses, our bodies to ailments, jobs, dreams and everything else in between! My life is FAR from perfect, my life is FAR from happy. But dammit I'm trying, and all it took from me was to WANT to change it. I could've chosen to lay over and let the water sweep over me. God KNOWS that's what I want most of the day. But I look into the eyes of my loved ones and realize its not about ME. This is growing up! Experiencing loss, disappointment, a sense of constant confusion about what's our next step. So I'm sorry if I'm all out of pity party juice, but you have a roof over your head, government aid for food and other things so you don't have to work, they PAY your babysitter so you can go to school and they even pay your schooling! I can't afford ANY of that working myself to the ground! AND THAT'S OKAY! LIFE DOESN'T END BECAUSE I'M CONSTANTLY LOSING THINGS!"
She was crying by the time I was done, and being the nice person I am, I immediately apologized and told her it didn't mean she couldn't complain or even feel depressed about certain things. We all have the right to feel angry, frustrated, resentful or anything else we might be. It's our right to sometimes shake our fist at the sky and say WHAT ELSE?!. It is our right, to sometimes wish we could run away far from anything known. However, when exercizing that right becomes a constant way to live our life and affects those around us, that's when it's time to suck it up and realize our situation could be much much worse. Because I know if I had a kid, a second spent seeing them smile is better than any day spent 6 feet under. We're all gonna die, we're gonna have miserable times at some point...so why rush into it? Cry. Yell. Be Angry. Loathe. Miss. Love. Do it all, but also take a few minutes out of your day to find one little tiny positive thing. If you have kids, just look at them play. If you don't, look outside and find something that will at least temporarily keep your mind off the current situation.
I'm not saying it's perfect or it always works, but it can't be any worse than replaying the negative stuff over and over in our heads. You can't run away from real life. It'll follow you wherever you go. You'll realize that if every new venture you start, ends down the same path and with the same results, nobody else is the problem. You are.
She assured me she wasn't giving up and she was gonna spend more time with her baby and school and this time she really was gonna be strong and go for it. Honestly? I'll hear from her again a month from now when she calls me stating she fell for a new guy that seemed perfect and GASP! he broke her heart and why is she hideous and repulsive and blah blah ... some things, will never change. I wash my hands and resign myself to listening with cotton balls stuffed up my nose.
Ah, Woe is Me, My Mother Dear
Ah, woe is me, my mother dear!
A man of strife ye've born me:
For sair contention I maun bear;
They hate, revile, and scorn me.
I ne'er could lend on bill or band,
That five per cent. might blest me;
And borrowing, on the tither hand,
The deil a ane wad trust me.
Yet I, a coin-denied wight,
By Fortune quite discarded;
Ye see how I am, day and night,
By lad and lass blackguarded!
-Robert Burns
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