Small Town, USA

I may not have sky scrapers...but I have a beautiful open cloudless sky, no smog and an amazing display of color at sunset.

There's no famous bars or multi level clubs with fancy drinks and dress codes...but C.J. smiles and greets me at when I go to BWW for wings: "Yari, the usual?". (that can be good or bad, the bartender knows my name and what i always drink??)

There's no world-known fairs or festivals with famous music guests...but there's a carousel inside our shoe-sized mall, and the kids smiles are just as big as if they were riding a DisneyWorld ride.

I dont work for a multi-million dollar medical practice, where you come in for treatment and walk out my door and I never see you again. When I treat a patient, he's more than a patient. He's a friend, and I get to meet and treat his wife, kids, parents...most of the time for life. We're extended family to them.

There's no big highways, no significant scenery, no mountains...but there's Clements street on Sunday night. Slow cruising around the same street, loud music blasting, greeting the person next to you in traffic with a nod and a smile. (and booking it when they call the cops!)

We don't meet up friends at a 5 star restaurant on fridays to see how the week was. We got Sonic Drive in, a Route 44 Coke and leaning against the parked cars relaxing.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's not all bad. I've lived here in a dot in the middle of nowhere for 6 yrs now. It has its charm, I actually like living in relative peace half the time.

So what's the problem? The undeniable cultural detachment I feel towards the people around me. Specifically the hispanic group. You might say, "But Yari, aren't you a lil beaner yourself? A lil hispanic nerd?". Yes. I am. However, the type of latina I am is way...way...EONS away from what hispanic people are here. I try, hard, to fit in with that specific group, but even the language is a barrier. I can't say words that are normal in spanish to me, because the mexicans consider them cuss words. I can't use my regular spanish accent when speaking spanish, because apparently puerto ricans speak fast in spanish...so usually I have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times when speaking 'puerto rican'.

I don't fit in. Hard as I try. My sense of humor is frowned upon and sometimes they just plain ole just don't get a simple joke. My choice in music and clothing doesn't fit they're choice of looks for a hispanic woman (sorry for wearing clothes MY size and not 3 sizes smaller). I don't do the whole drama thing they love to do every time there's a get together.

So living here in Small Town, USA has turned me into someone I barely recognize. An accent I didn't need, a dullness inside just to fit in. I much rather hang out with white people, they get me. They understand my music tastes, they have such an open mind about individuals (most of them anyways), they dont laugh at me for reading or doing nerdy things. They don't hold it against me that I'm trying to break the stereotype everyone is forcefully trying to shove me in. The problem I face with white people around her is that, they're all pretty tight knit. Which is a good thing, except when you're new and are trying to find a place to belong. I know I'd have more fun with a group of people I can at least mold myself to easily, something I can't do with the hispanics around here. I just can't fit with them, lord knows I try, but half the time I wanna punch one or I get a nosebleed at the backwards way of thinking they have towards life. They are so closed in their traditions and patterns, that I'm viewed as a threat.

So I have nobody. Six years in this small town, and I can't even say I have someone I can call and say 'Hey wanna watch a movie or come over?'. The few people I've found, have since moved away. Whenever people do come over I have to take a huge does of "GODHELPMELIVETHROUGHTHENEXTFEWHOURS" and slap a smile on. They're not bad people, but why can *I* adjust to their culture but they can't accept me for who I am?

Small Town, USA...I may have peace, but it's because I'm lonely.

New York, New York

Or a village in Iowa

The only difference is the name

If you're alone

Whether on Main Street

Or on Broadway

If you're alone

They are both the same

A town's a lonely town

When you pass through

And there is no one waiting there for you

Then it's a lonely town

You wander up and down

The crowds rush by

A million faces pass before your eyes

Still it's a lonely town

Unless there's love

A love that's shining

Like a harbor light

You're lost in the night

Unless there's love

The world's an empty place

And every town's

A lonely town.

-Sinatra