Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I was diagnosed with type II Diabetes in November of 2005 at the age of 21.

I already suspected I had it. It started with the frequent trips to the restroom, every 20 minutes to be precise. The unyielding thirst was unebarable. Nothing would make it go away. I'd constantly drink water, sodas, milk, juice...anything to make the dryness in my throat go away to no avail. I had a constant cold-like fever, chills, bone ache that wouldn't disappear with tylenol. Needless to say, when I finally went to the doctor and she came back with the "you're a diabetic" diagnosis, I wasn't in the least bit shocked.

Still it was scary to hear it and to have all this new set of rules thrown at me. For one thing, I am terrified of needles. So obviously, checking my sugar by pricking my fingertip 3 times a day was my main incentive to change this. The first 2 years after that I was on a strict diet, constant excercise and it got to the point where my sugar leveled off perfectly and I didn't even need the medication. Being the smart gal I am, I considered myself cured of all evil! I started sneaking a burger here and there. I found excuses to not work out. My mind warped itself into the following motto: If it's ever high again, I can just diet and take the pill for a few weeks and be ok again. I stopped monitoring my sugar levels, out of sigh out of mind. Until it became pretty evident, I was living life like a "normal" person. I ate, drank and did whatever I wanted. Until last Friday.

Long story short, I had an eventful stay at the local hospital's ICU floor. Everyone that treated me from nurses to doctors to lab personnel could not believe I had been so irresponsible. That I was 25 and was literally playing with my life. The pain was excruciating, my body was ready to quit but I guess I managed and now I'm out of there. When I got home, I think I finished the last 2 stages of grief over this. I got in the shower and cried and yelled and cried some more because it has, indeed, dawned on me finally. I am a diabetic. For life. There is no cure. This is not the end of the world, naturally, but it is the end of a lifestyle and the end of whatever I found comforting before. It's either the fresh start or a quick end to me. I have since been checking my sugar regularly (5 times a day) and slowly trying to get over my fear of poking myself. I have been walking every night (my feet are so tender and they hurt - another fun diabetes side effect). I am getting lots of sleep (miracle new pattern for me) and have spoken to my boss and set up a new work schedule. I'll only work afternoons.

That last one will put a financial strain, so for now I'm moving back to my parents place and saving a few hundred on rent and utilities and using the left over money to pay off some bills I'm extremely behind on. However, I feel so much lighter. I don't know if it's the kick in the ass life gave me or the loving words I've gotten from my family and friends while sick. Wanna see a few? Lookie!:

Scott: "ARE YOU GONNA START TAKING CARE YOU FUCKIN IDIOT?!"

Cath: "YARITZA IRIZARRY! I AM TYPING THIS IN 32PT FONT BTW!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!"

Ricky: NO MORE MUFFINS. (that was hitting below the belt)

Mom & Dad: ...endless ramble

Rob O'Daniel: "DID I NOT WARN YOU ABOUT THE NURSES?!"

Mike (guitar teacher in a note): "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT CRACK AND START TAKING CARE. LOVE YOU."

Shante: "OMFG I WANT TO CHOKE YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO YOURSELF?!"

Rob Mileage: "WHY YOU! WHY YOU! I SHOULD PUNCH YOU!"

Can ya feel the love? So much anger and foul violence. Alas, it is that kind of talk I respond to. I thank ya'll for checking in on me and loving me. I love ya guys, and please keep me in check. Also, if you find delicious diabetic recipes...send em my way! Till next time kiddos :)

"Diabetes is caused by melancholy" - Thomas Willis