When I was a kid, my folks figured out really quick that spanking me or taking away my toys never worked as discipline. Ever. Mom would beat me until she was exhausted, always with anger, and I'd make a game of it. Stare her in the eyes, smiling (and CRAP did it hurt), just to get a raise out of her. To show her "I am not afraid of you or pain." Dad seldom hit me, I was his princess...so I really had to push his buttons for him to hit me. I'd do the same thing, he'd sigh and leave me alone. Until the day came when my mom was so disappointed in something I did, she completely ignored me all day. Brutal. I was going NUTS trying to figure out why she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. Wouldn't be in the same room as me. She figured out the Yari secret.
In school, I only fought once. When I was 17, I beat up a boy I liked. He didn't like me back, never did. But he'd sweet talk me whenever he needed his homework done, or to cheat off me on a test. I'd try to stay mad at him, feeling used, but a few sweet words and a kiss on my cheek and I'd be putty. One week, he stopped talking to me...completely. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't sit next to me in class or sit with us at lunch. I couldn't figure out what I did and it was consuming me. I'd try to be extra nice and give him his homework already made before he'd ask for it, he'd simply turn around and walk away, looking very mad at me. I had like this guy for 3 years, one of those 'out of my league, popular' guys. (This is his story: http://thesqueakyhamsterwheel.blogspot.com/2009/09/fat-lady-has-sung-memoir.html) Finally, he spoke to me, on a Thursday afternoon. It was the middle of biology class and the teacher, who looked remarkably like a frog, was talking about how some things in nature just don't belong together. He turns and whispers in my ear "See? Some things just don't belong together. Like me and you. Never gonna happen." I must've been blinded by fury, but I immediately felt my knuckles breaking his nose. His pretty nose, smashed. I had been so worried about the silent treatment, thinking how I could fix it...and all this time...yeah. Douchebag.
So this is me. I always assume I've done something wrong, when I'm not talked to for long periods of time. It's just how things are. The sun rises, rain falls, the earth spins, Yari blames herself. Facts.
It's hard for people to understand why I apologize so much. Why I blame myself for something I have nothing to do with. I guess it's my way of explaining why things happen or why people leave. It's a hard concept for me to understand that your choice to NOT talk to me or stop being my friend has nothing to do with me and all to do with you.
I will sit there, and rack my brains out going over our conversations, thinking I said the wrong thing. Maybe I wasn't there for you? Maybe I was around too much? Did I make sure to always remind you how much I care about you? Did I bring it up too much? What's right? What's wrong? Why am I not good enough? Blah blah. I'm working on it.
Because it's not me. I'm just textbook material. True:
ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.
ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.
The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.
The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.
Am I saying that my behavior and way of seeing life sometimes is now excusable because someone decided to give it an official name and definition? Absolutely not.
I can choose to be different, to learn from the past. To let go of this need I have to make everyone like me. Of wanting to be everyone's rock. Will I? More than likely not. That's a side of me I like a lot. That I can be caring, no matter how I am treated by those I'm striving to help and love unconditionally.
Does being forgiving and trusting with the wrong people make me naive or stupid? Perhaps. But I think my friends were right. We learn something from every experience, and hopefully one day we'll have the required answers that fail us today.
Today you have learned what is my eternal nemesis: The Silent Treatment. But, perhaps I should just realize, that the silence is not empty. More is being said to me through it...if I just paid attention.
P.S. I am still 98% cooler than what you think I am.
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