I learned the last of my lessons yesterday. It hurt briefly, then I resolved myself to not see it as me being dumb enough to fall, but as smart enough to cut it out of me quickly...before it spread like gangrene. I am and will be whatever you need. No hard feelings.I spoke with someone last night for a few hours, about how I felt and something I did to myself during the day (yes, I'm a cutter, relapsed briefly). I didn't want to talk about it, but he practically forced me to spill the beans. I spilled, and cursed at him for making me talk about it. We are not particularly close, and we get our kicks mostly out of talking trash to each other, but at the end of the conversation I had no choice but to admit we care about each other in our own way and that I'm thankful for those surprise people in your life. My wrists are healing, and so am I. Life starts over every day, and like he said - and I'm glad he understood me - it is an hourly/daily battle for people who suffer from depression, anxiety...etc. We try hard, we don't enjoy being emo, but sometimes it gets the best of you. What's important is getting back up. I'm up.
So the clock hit midnight, and the texts and tweets started to pour in...even a few mins before it was time. All I wanted to do was lay on my mother's lap and have her comb my hair like she used to. I asked her, she said she was tired. So I laid on the couch, in the dark. I answered everyone happily, gave thanks and only God saw that I was crying. My mind wandered towards the dark paths you shouldn't let it go to. I missed my grandmother so much, then I cursed a few names. I pushed those feelings aside and just focused on my dog's warmth against my legs. I tried to match his breathing, nice...slow...deep. I slept. I had dreams. The usual ones. I woke up crying.
I walked to work, excited to see what Shanidy had gotten for me and to answer Bday wishes on my social networking sites. I got messages from high school friends, my cousins and a few internet chatroom buddies I've made in the last 10 yrs. I got 2 sweet messages from my 'lil bro' Shane and 'big sis' Cathy, who I missed most today. Last year I spent my bday with them in Boston. It was epic. Shanidy got me a chain with a charm in shape of half a heart and half the phrase 'Best Friend'. I cried, naturally. Then I looked at our clothes at the same time she did...and we lost it for about 5 minutes. This:
Completely unplanned. With the matching nail polish, also unplanned. Sometimes, life is funny...and makes you smile. Alex sent me a gift certificate to the movies too, yay!!! I have other gifts on the way I've been told, so I'll update ya'll on what's up with that.
Tonight I decided to meet with the guys (Star Trek/RPG guys and Kyle) at BWW to have wings and booze. I need to not think about anything other than nerdy things for a while. They're always nice to me and I'm sort of their pet n00b. It's nice.
So when I get home, I'll catch up with some of you and then ask mom again if I can lay on her lap. I'll ask her to tell me the story of how I drowned when I was 2, and someone saved me at the beach. Maybe I'll ask her to read me poetry, like she used to do when I was little.
God is great, beer is good...and people are crazy. ~ Billy Currington
You have people in your life who care for you, and it's easy to forget that when you're sad or depressed. You also have a lot of friends on Twitter who think you're the cat's meow. All these people can pile compliments on you and tell you how much they love you and how proud of you they are, but it can be hard to accept or believe it. I have that problem myself. I wish I had some advice to give that wouldn't sound fake or patronizing. I wish I had a solution for you that would make all the sadness go away and let all the happiness in. The best I can do is hope that you take each day as it comes as neither good nor bad, but as full of potential--a potential that you have the power to influence for good or for ill. Good luck!
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