Just People

While I was packing, I came across a notebook I used in high school when I first moved to the US from Puerto Rico. It was the first time I moved, my first experience in the All-American school scene. I don't remember that first year very fondly.

This particular notebook was my "Study Hall" one. Study Hall was a period during the day that they sat us all either in the cafeteria or the auditorium so we could work on our homework or 'study' by ourselves. Of course this was utter bullshit. You just sat there for an hour twiddling your thumbs, gossiping or playing cards. I actually just wrote during this period. Poetry. Or so I thought.

I looked through this notebook into my mind, 10 years ago. I had forgotten how upset school made me. In between my poems and songs, I found pages where I would just scribbled "Just Breathe, calm down" over and over. Another page had a mini rant directed at myself: "Why am I so mad right now? I never used to get mad before. Why am I so afraid of them. They're just students, just like me. But they're all staring at me. Why don't they like me. Why are they laughing at me? I used to fit in great at home." This one gave me a lump in my throat. I remembered what caused this rant. I had just ate lunch in a restroom stall...again. Hiding. All those scenes in the movies where you think the 'new geek girl in school' is being dramatic eating her sandwich sitting in a bathroom stall...yeah, it happens in real life. I had tried for months after I came to school to find someone to sit with, to not cry when someone stuck their foot out to make me trip and to ignore the giggles and pointing. I had been diagnosed with Social Phobia when I was about 10, but I had never let it rule my life as badly as it had those first few months.

So, I keep reading all these thoughts scribbled on dirty corners. Fading. I wish most of my high school memories would fade too. People in general are cruel. At least by my senior year I had met Shante. I had fit in with the ICP crowd (yeah...me!) and I had sort of fallen into a comfortable wallflower/wise-crack role in all my classes. Nobody would remember me after graduation, but they always seemed happy to see me and joke with me in class.

I better burn these. Even I'm beginning to doubt if I was ever sane. Next stop? Straightjackets and pudding! Yay!