Cancer Free, Free of You

Was it good for you?

Do not worry about me.

What you see, you crave,

what I need ain't free.

Pure adoration, love

given so openly.

Now you go on, yes,

I'm ridding myself of thee.

~Yari C.

Last night I couldn't sleep again.

Yesterday was a day full of strong emotions, good news and bad.

I got a call from my doctor early in the morning and he simply said: "Come sit down with me so we can go over the results today at 3:30". Thanks, sir, for making me wait a whole day for the potentially life altering news.

The whole day was a bundle of optimism wrapped in fear. Of expectations being crushed, and of people rising to the occasion. My ladies: Cathy, Shanidy, Carmen, Lisa and JMee were fussing over me and trying to keep me happy. They managed to keep my mind clear for the most part, but Shanidy sort of busted me as my mind wandered off many times during lunch. I was quiet, with my head full of unanswered questions. It's easy to lie on Twitter, emails and text messages about being 'okay' and joking around. No one can see the panicked or sad look on my face. She kept threatening to stab me with a fork every time I got down. Thank you, boo.

I kept waiting for someone I care a lot about to check on me or say hi, specially on a day I really really needed his sense of humor. Funny how friends can keep lies and secrets from you, especially close ones you would've trust with your life at some point. I feel like I don't even know this person anymore, and, as usual, I feel like he used me in a low point in his life when he had nothing going on for him. I offered myself wholly, unattached. I kept him company, was there at any moment he needed, cared and loved him...and now I don't even hear from him anymore. Because a baseball game is more important, or sleeping is more important, or picking his nose is. Anything is more important than taking 2 minutes and asking for my well-being. When he does come around, I don't even get a courteous greeting and generic 'How are you? How's your day?'. I get an endless list of how his day sucks and how he's so glad he didn't miss an 'important' baseball game. I get it. I don't have to put up with it though. So if you're reading this, don't defend yourself anymore. I didn't want to change you. I accepted you as you were, was your friend above all else. You paid me back with excuses and absence.

So even though I was happy, ecstatic and I feel blessed that I am cancer-free...I felt the inevitable void one feels when you let something go, because it let you go already a long time ago. So I hopped in the shower at night, and cried for longer than anyone deserves to be cried over. I went to bed and my mind was being split in 4 or 5 different ways. Some people were telling me that they were there for me, others were having a bad day of their own and I got caught in their momentary wrath. I got told I was special. I got told I needed to be slapped. I got told I was really cared about. I was asked to meet someone for the first time, face to face, to talk about what's on my mind and why I'm so sad sometimes.

I felt the nerves and fears over my health hit me, and they poured out with the tears. So at least I feel better about that. It was also funny that I was up until 5 a.m. talking to someone I'm not even remotely close to about who I am, where I've been, how and why I feel/don't feel certain things. This person listened patiently, did not try to feed me a spoonful of bs and optimism and did not judge me or made me feel bad for having a bad night. It actually ended up cheering me up. Sometimes the people that promise you a 'forever' and 'any time', really mean 'if I can' and 'if I feel like it'.

But this is for the best. New chance at a healthy lifestyle. New beginnings all around. Thank you for your continued support and love.

And to you, good-bye.

White demon love song down the hall

White demon shadow on the road

Back up your mind, there is a call

He isn't coming after all

Love this time

She likes the way he sings

White demon love song's in her dreams

White demon, where's your selfish kiss?

White demon sorrow will arrange

Let's not forget about the fear

Black invitation to this place that cannot change

While strangely holy, come for a rain

(darling)

White demon, widen your heart's scope

White demon, who let your friends go?

White demon, widen your heart's scope

White demon, who let your friends go?

Let us be in love

(let us be in love)

Let's do old and grey

(let's do old and grey)

I won't make you cry

(I won't make you cry)

I will never stray

(I will never stray)

I will do my part

(I will do my part)

Let us be in love tonight

White demon, widen your heart's scope

White demon, who let your friends go?

White demon, widen your heart's scope

White demon, who let your friends go?

(stand it anymore, darling)

(stand it)

(I can't stand it anymore, darling)

(stand it)

- The Killers