Timing

Timing is everything.

I sometimes wonder what forces are at work in this universe, and if they have a cruel sense of humor...

What makes people connect? There has to be some level of physical interest, but it is not the determining factor for two people deciding to engage in something other than a polite 'hello' while passing each other down a hallway.

I've connected with my now loyal friends, through random things like pastrami and having a sarcastic sense of humor. I've started close bonds over quoting Broken Lizard movies and watching baseball. Sometimes, I didn't even know I had a lot of things in common with a person at all, and once I spent a long time with them by ourselves, it turns out we agree on most things. Building a tight link filled with mutual secrets and trust.

A new friend recently asked me "Have you ever felt like you're losing yourself?" I simply said the truth, and that's yes. I do feel like I'm losing myself. Every second of the day is a constant struggle between what I have to do and what I want to do...and the want side is winning. I said it's normal to feel that way at times. He quietly added: "What if I want to?" That's the kicker, ladies and gentlemen. I couldn't even reply right away. It took me a few moments to gather what I wanted to say, and how to say it. It boils down to this:

Yes. I do. I want to wake up and make a choice for me and only me. But that is not how I was raised and that's not how my warped mind works. I always think others first, me last. Also, I'm afraid of changing my 'for sure' things for the possibilities of the 'what if'. There's so many ways things could've happened in most cases. What if I had met him/her before I met my current? Would it still be this same connection? What if back then, I hadn't been through what I have by now, and my personality was slightly different? My view of things less clear? My tastes completely opposite? Let's say I give 'what if' a try, and after going through life, I find a new 'what if' in the future, when I've matured some and have even more complicated views on life? Yes. I'd love to lose myself. To leave everything behind. Maybe someday I will. But I want it to be based on solid things, not some sort of emotional rush because something is new and shiny.

It's all about timing. So, what if we had crossed paths at a more convenient time? Life doesn't work that way. We should be grateful for the constant, faithful things in our life...even if we don't feel as alive as we know we could feel in other situations. What if I had never been in a chatroom that exact same second as you? What if I had not decided to create a twitter account and follow you on a random day because someone quoted something funny you said? What if I had kissed you that one time at the beach when you were waiting for me, inches from my face, to do so? One small action, at the exact second it needed to happen? The odds are always against our happily ever after. So there is no fate. Only coincidences.

What's better? A life of pleasantry and routine. Of knowing that today will be the same as tomorrow and years from now, it'll be the same? Or trading the comfort and security for a chance to feel your heart come to life again and feel the smile never leave your face, even if it's only for a few breaths?

Don't answer that.