I'm struggling to understand how life works, or is supposed to work. So far, I have come up empty handed and with more questions than ever before.
What was my real life? The memories I have of it or the reality of my life today? Did I make the right choices for my head or my heart? Do I deserve to be happy or to continue making others happy, while numbing myself so I can't tell the difference? I don't want to feel like I am a bad person, because for once I'm putting myself first. Surely all those years of me being good and being everything everyone expected me to be have to amount to something? Would I really be called a horrible person because I can't continue to see my mind deteriorating.? My smile fading? Why do I feel so selfish when thinking of changing my life? It's better than ending it all and having no life, is it not?
I feel like laughing, bursting at the seems and completely giving in to a change. I also feel devastated that my change, while making me happy, will mean utter mayhem and hatred to those who continuously count on me. I am not a bad person, I don't want to be. It just seems to mean that I'll, again, bury my heart away and forget my dreams. In doing that, I'm pouring that last little bit of dirt over the completely dead Yari.
It would've been nice, to see the change.
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