A long time ago, or it seems that way now, I had a conversation with an online friend that I rarely spoke to. However, 'cig' seemed to know what my feelings were at the time regarding someone that had, for lack of better wording, crapped on my heart. It was odd, this conversation, specially since we weren't really that close of friends and more like general common acquaintances. We had said a brief 'hello' back and forth in a chatroom. At the time he mentioned that one day I would see clearly that things are and happen for a reason, but at that moment the pain was not letting me see past beyond the hole I had put myself in.
He asked me if I had watched "500 Days of Summer", to which I replied that I hadn't but was planning to. "You might want to wait, because you won't like it right now, in your state of mind", he typed back. He went off on this deep conversation about the movie was absolutely perfect. Real. How it didn't matter if YOU think someone's your soul mate or how deeply you love for them runs, because you are only 50% of the equation. Maybe in time, they will not feel the same way about you, while you're still on cloud nine about them. They might be the love of your lifetime, you...well you are not theirs. So, they leave us. We spend insane amounts of time trying to figure out what we did wrong, if we loved hard enough, why did they leave us and the other rundown of ideas one usually gets when broken up with. They were sheer perfection in our eyes, every flaw was actually a blessing and every quirk something to be worshiped. In the end, it is also their choice to see us the way we see them. So, what we thought was a match made in heaven, was actually a rush of fleeting emotions and beautiful moments that we take with us. There's nothing we can do to change the outcome. There's nothing we can do to bring them back.
He was right, cig, about me not appreciating that film back then. I saw it 4 nights ago, and it hurt to watch every scene. I felt it in my veins, in my bones, my head...my heart. It re-opened fears, and I found myself crying every few minutes...mostly in the love scenes. Because love ends. It's not that which hurts, but the memories of someone's smile and how it took your breath away. You miss it. You miss the laughter, the feeling of your hand on theirs, the amazing depth of their eyes. Oh. The eyes. However, this is the real world...and we're all grown up. There isn't always a happy ending. Is there? The film portrays just that. Maybe we think that one lost love was what ruined our lives. That we are unable to move on or function without them. Not the case at all.
After watching it, and hurting, I also learned to smile at the end. Sometimes we want someone so badly that we overlook the signs of certain failure in the future...we just want to make that square fit into the circle, don't we? We go through such agony, over something that was never meant to be. Why?
As much as it pains me to say these words, since they go against everything about love I once held dear, here it goes: Enjoy it for what it is, today. Don't think about tomorrow. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, remember the good things. They'll hurt, but they'll also fill you with the knowledge that maybe for a fleeting time in your life, you meant the world to someone.
That's always something to smile about.
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