1:19 P.M.

What goes through a person's mind when they come face to face with death or the possibility of it?

Sure, there's the usual "I wonder if it'll hurt" if it's in case of an lethal injury or terminal illness. Some people may just lay there and try to remember if they at least turned off the stove at home or fed the cat before finding themselves in a situation where the end of their life is a few breaths away. Others are laying there wishing to be in the arms of who they love the most in these final moments, with thousands of words they want to say and feelings they want to make sure everyone knows before they're unable to express them any more.

What does one think of, when one is in complete control of when that day, hour...second comes? When the decision is utterly in your hands? Do you plan ahead or are you so angry at the world and your life that you just end it? Just like that. No final farewells, no last hugs or one last kiss. Most people would call that an act of selfishness. But, what if there's a wounded animal, without any hope of recovering? Doesn't the vet putting that dog down or the farmer shooting that horse or the little girl flushing that goldfish down the toilet just want to end that poor animal's suffering? Why would you prolong it's existence? Just so you can look at it because you can't bear parting with it? There it is, ill and struggling to even take a breath, and all you care about is that you have them for a little while longer. Making it about you. Aren't you the selfish one? Or maybe you just feel guilty that you could've done something to prevent it, so you rather place them blame on them?

I'd want to know that I was a good daughter. That I was forgiven for my lies and other disappointments I caused my parents. That I didn't mean to lose my faith in God, but it's more like I lost faith in myself. God never disappointed me, I disappointed Him. That they didn't do anything wrong, and they were as good parents as they could be with what they had. I never lacked love or shoes or food. I lacked strength and a healthy mind. That I was overall a good girlfriend and wife, and whenever I did stray or hurt with words, I am very sorry for that. That my friends understand there really is nothing they could've done. Absolutely nothing. I've always been different. I've always been this. I've always been too smart for my own good and skeptical about most things in life. I've always loved deeply, strongly and selflessly. That I rather your happiness, than mine...because I can never be happy, so one of us might as well be. I'd want to know that I made someone's life different for the better...and that if it was for the worse, that I am, too, forgiven for that. I'd like to hope that I am cremated and not buried. No sense in putting my loved ones through a funeral. Just go home, listen to music and live.

It's 1:50 p.m. now. This is my apology. I am sorry where I lacked. I am sorry where I over extended myself. I am simply sorry if what I do may hurt some of you, but please refrain from calling me a coward or selfish. I am neither. I am simply, tired.