Closed Until Further Notice

I think I've shut down for the time being. I haven't bothered looking at my phone or obsessively checking Twitter updates since about 7 p.m. last night. I have spread myself around too thin and carried everyone's loads without making time to carry my own. As usual. Nothing new.

I was sitting in my car, and all these words came out. I was babbling, blurting, being angry for things that are part of the past, explaining how bad it really was inside my head. Ricky just stared at me as I went from laughing, to crying, to screaming, to sighing and joking about just ending it. How it would just be easier for me to remove myself from the picture, rather than disappoint everyone and become a regret in their life. The whole time I was letting every single word out, my phone was going insane vibrating and bleeping for attention...it remained in the pocket of my hoodie. In all actuality, I wanted to slam it against the wall and just forget everyone. I'm only one person, and I need a break.

It's like...if I have time to tweet or update Facebook, that means I have time or the desire to open myself for everyone to come and take, take, take from me. No. It just means I thought of something funny, and I tweeted it. It doesn't mean I feel like talking. If I don't reply to you but to someone else I do, it doesn't mean I have time for them and not you. It just means I felt like answering something, and not another. I feel like every time I try to be there, the unmovable rock, I end up frustrated. Drained and exhausted. Because I get to vent .2% of what's in my brain before you turn it around and make the conversation about you and what you need. So. That's that. I won't be around much for anyone. No one gets to pour their stuff on me for me to carry around and fix. I'm tired. I need my own space to figure out my own issues and where MY life is going.

So, anyways, after my tantrum, I sat in the tub and just cried it all out for a good hour or so. I didn't feel great, but it was better. The silence was great. I curled up into bed by 10 and grabbed my zombie book. I read. I hadn't had the desire to read in months. Sure enough, I couldn't battle sleep from taking me away...in a few short moments.

I dreamed I was on vacation with my parents, aunts from PR and my friend Bryan in some sort of huge hotel in the Midwest. It was the morning we were all coming home, and two things happened simultaneously.

As I exited my hotel room, my dad pulled me aside and said he was leaving our family again, leaving mom. He couldn't take it being with her anymore, he was sorry and that he had tried to make it work. That he had already told her and he'd call me from the road. I sank against the wall and just mumbled "Not again. Please, not again". I went into their hotel room and saw mom, laying on the bed staring at the ceiling, with her arm resting over her forehead. Her eyes were swollen from crying and she smiled at me. That's just how she looked the day Dad said he wanted and divorce and was leaving, when I was 16. This was an exact replica, and it was awful. Dad went over to her and started saying how he was sorry, that he had really given it a shot and he wished her the best. She just nodded, accepting defeat and it angered me that I was once again, left to pick up the pieces of his mess.

At the same time...

I turned to look at the doorway, and Bryan was in his fatigues and with his Army duffel bag. My heart sank to my toes and I asked him where he was going, why was he in uniform. He said he had signed up to do another tour and was leaving in a 2 hours. That it was something he had to do. I demanded to know why he would do that after he said he was done, and that I didn't want him to die. He just hugged me and said "It'll be ok, sweetpea. Thank you for everything. Chin up.", and walked off quickly, slinging his bag over his shoulder. I was standing in that hotel hallway, with him walking away in one direction and my dad walking away in the other. I didn't want to chase after my dad and beg him to stay, even though I knew he would just for me. I didn't want to chase after Bryan and beg him to stay, because he wouldn't and I'd be broken beyond anything.

I woke up at 4 a.m. as my phone was ringing. I stared at it, and closed my eyes again, crying a bit before falling asleep.

And this is where I am right now. Focusing on getting everything done at work quickly. Clearing off my desk of any tasks and wondering if I can make it through tonight.

And yes, I cut. I hadn't in weeks.

I'm stronger than this...I just have to fight for it. I will be better, for my own sake.