Biological Clock

Many of you who have known me a long time, have come to realize that I often say that Yari + kids do not mix. At all.

There's something about them that makes me nervous, and irritates me. They smell fear, and know that I am completely useless when it comes to dealing with them. I mean, when they're babies they're crying their heads off. Let's stop there. I never like to carry newborns. Why? Their heads might fall off. I'm serious. That's one of my fears. Or maybe dropping them? Same thing. Anyways, they cry and scream bloody murder. You've fed them, changed them, played with them, put them down for naps, they're not sick...why are you CRYING?! You have a right to cry if something's wrong...but just because you're fuzzy? Good grief.

Also, what the heck with kids being allowed to do whatever the heck they want? When I was growing up I was taught to earn things. I didn't get a toy every time we went out, nor did I die because I didn't have gaming systems or the latest out there. I was smacked right on the mouth if I so much raised my voice. I was beat, not senseless, but a good beating if I was disrespectful or I acted out in public/home. I was expected to do my best in school, and rewarded if I did. I was allowed to grow up at my own pace. Now I understand why they didn't let me shave my legs or wear make up by the time I was 11. I was still a kid then, no need to worry about looks or dating. I'm glad I was raised how I was, and the beatings made me respect my parents...not fear them.

That being said, for some odd reason children flock to me. I'm like cotton candy or their favorite toy. They're always crawling all over me. Babies reach out to me. I make them laugh and follow me around like my own lil' ducklings. I always felt like I was trying to hard to not show them how utterly afraid I was of them, or how inadequately prepared I am to deal with kids. They loved it. Apparently all it takes is spending time with them playing games and pretending to be a clumsy dork, a lot. I'm already that by nature so, yay? I seem to be an anomaly, as a 25-almost-26 yr old childless Latina woman. Aren't we supposed to have a kid or two before 20? People never grow tired of doing the whole sideways head pity nod when I tell them 'nope, no kids yet'.

For the most part that is a great thing! I can go out and come/go as I please. I don't have someone else's little life depending on my every decision. I can live life however I please, for the most part. I can drink as often and as much as I can. I don't have to change diapers or potty train. I don't have to worry about them getting picked on at school, eating their vegetables or if they're really sick.

I also won't ever feel someone growing inside of me, and spend the nights wondering who he/she will look like. I won't have a tiny hand grabbing my finger or a tiny coo escape as I look at those little eyes. There won't be the patter of tiny feet running towards me, or me picking my child up after a long day of work and just rocking them to sleep. I won't hear 'Mommy' being called out...or cried out. I won't kiss a wounded knee, or sing lullabies. I won't braid my daughter's hair or play baseball with my son. I won't even get a chance to be the horrible mom I think I'd be.

I can't have kids. So there. It's easier to say, I'd be the crappiest mom ever and that I hate kiddos.

I'll settle with a bunch of cats. Crazy cat lady.