Daisy, Daisy...

The last week and a half I've had your voice stuck in my head, Daisy.

There's always a funny/weird combination we've had, that are a part of my daily thoughts, Twin. But this one sort of rolls around my brain all day as of late. Not only do the words hurt, ache, and make me feel a giant void in me, but I picture the look you were giving me as you said them...

We were on our way to Fenway Park. Dave was sitting in the front w/ Alex. Shane was in the middle seat with me, all cuddled...and you were sitting in your pretty, light pink dress and pearl earrings, with a matching pink Red Sox hat in the back seat. We were all excited, but also a sense of sadness was hanging in the air. It was the night before all of us were going home again. The end of our vacation visit to you.

I was looking out the window, at the green scenery passing me by and the sun was setting. I felt this urge to turn in my seat and look at you and say so many things. But all I could manage was turning in my seat, and grabbing your hand, that was resting on the space between Shane and I. I brought it to my lips and kissed it, looking in your eyes at the exact moment you were looking back at me, tearing up. I whispered, trying to hide the knot on my throat, "I was wondering when I'm going to see you again, after tomorrow..." You nodded, your tears threatening to spill and said, in your perfect Masshole accent, "Yah, that's just what I was thinking. I'm going to miss you". You gripped my hand, and I held on to it for a little longer in the ride.

So much has changed in a year, Daisy. I'm just glad you're getting to your happy place, little by little. I'm happy you've been able to visit little bro and meet our Jewish mom. That all the struggles and uncertainty, were worth it in the end.

I'm so happy, that you get to celebrate another year you've been alive and in our lives. Because, no matter how hard someone tries to ruin you and the girls' lives, you rise above. You're super-mom and sister extraordinaire. My life and world will never be same, because you are in it and I know that I'll fall asleep next to you again someday, listening to the rain fall outside our window. I'll feel your hugs, I'll look into those amazing eyes, I'll see your skirt flowing as you walk - making you look ethereal, perfect, magical.

So while I failed at writing you your yearly Birthday poem, know that I'm laying on my couch right now, at 2:06 a.m. on your birthday and when I close my eyes, I see myself walking away from your car, at the Providence airport. I can relive it a thousand times. I walked away quickly, to avoid crying...but you called my name. I had to turn around and look at you, leaning against the driver's side, halfway in the car, yelling out: "I love you, Yaritza". I don't think you heard me, because I could only mumble back "I'll miss you". And I do, Daisy. Every day, all the time, even if I haven't showed it to you.

Have a beautiful day. Thank you for being born, for existing and for loving me. I'll see you soon, my hand misses yours.