The Real Yari

As many of you know, I often use my blog as a place where I can share my thoughts, my dreams/nightmares, my writing, my music...my fears.

I often hide behind carefully crafted self portraits with my BlackBerry. I let you see what I want you to see, and say the things that you want to hear. I keep my true feelings about you hidden for the most part, until I get enough courage to let you know. Once I do, I'm met with several outcomes: A) You can care less, B) You're lying to my face, and think that I'm blind and C) You want me to give 150% to you, even when I'm uncomfortable being that vulnerable, and you give me...maybe 15% back.

I think I'm tired of hiding. I think that at this stage, I want the people in my life to be in my life after knowing the things about me I normally hide.

I am 26 and still suck my thumb. Daily. I thought it was when I was really sad but it turns out it's just comforting.

I am 5' 9" and weight 275 lbs. I don't know why people always seem shocked to read the actual number. Apparently I'm kinda of tall enough and have the Puerto Rican body to hide such a massive amount of fail. Below are the most recent pics of me:

Yes. That's me.

I don't like it when my intelligence is insulted. I can read timelines, comments and status messages and *gasp* know how to put 2 and 2 together. The more you lie to me, the more I'm blown away that you didn't care for me enough to be honest with me from the beginning. I know the secrets you say 'are not what I think'. I know more than you think. I don't bring it up, because somehow you will find a way to make me feel guilty for seeing something that's blatantly obvious. I just let you either dig yourself out or deeper.

I am, and have been for 13 years, a cutter. I go through phases that are directly related to how lonely I feel/people disappointing me. Yes, I have attempted suicide twice before. First time, I got my stomach pumped. Second time my mom found me and and removed the neck tie from around my neck. I was hanging from my bunk beds. I am on anti-depressants, but I have not bothered going back to the shrink. I have an appointment on August 24th. I will more than likely, skip it and self-diagnose me as cured. This is my left arm at the moment:

Don't like that I'm posting this up here? Close the screen. I'm done hiding.

I became an alcoholic at the age of 17, in Puerto Rico. I worked from 12 - 7 every day or 2 - 9, and then went out with my buddies to shoot pool. Every night. Of course I didn't notice it was alcoholism, since to me it was just drinks with my friends. My night consisted of about 9 double shots of Jose Cuervo, 3 screw drivers, 6 bud lights and 2 amaretto sours. When I moved back to PA when I was 18, the first night I was back home with both my parents I thought I was going to die. I didn't know what was going on but I was shaking, crying and throwing up all over the place. It took me about a week to get back to semi normal. By then I realized what it was. I swore never to drink regularly again. I had a brief relapse from Nov 2008 - Jan 2009. At that point my drink of choice was a bottle of Knob Creek and a 12 pack of Budweiser every 2-3 days. I stopped that quickly and have been doing good since. Every other month I'll drink a lot a night or two, but mostly when out with friends.

I am not, however, as messed up as I seem to be most of the time.

I've had full time jobs since I was 16 and have supported my mom, payed mortgages/bills with no help and still managed to get straight A's all the way to HS graduation. I've never been fired of a job, and have only had 3 jobs since HS. Two years with a chiropractor in PA, I resigned that to move to TX and got a job with a chiropractor here for 6 years. I resigned and now joined the IT staff at the local hospital. I live a pretty stable life. Predictable. Safe. I was the good girl that never snuck out and when I married I was a virgin. Squeaky clean. Good kid. Despite the alcoholism I never failed my family, friends or work. No one ever knew.

I have, without a doubt, one of the kindest and depth-less hearts you will ever encounter. When I say 'I love you', I mean it. No, it doesn't mean I'm IN love with you, not always. It means that when you are down, and the world keeps trampling you over, I'll pick you up and take the blows for you. It means that I will get in debt so that you can have something you've always wanted. No questions asked. It means I will be walking down the street, and hear a song or see something, and your face will crowd my mind and my heart will feel like it's bursting. Because I love loving. I am loyal to those near my heart. The only way you will ever get rid of me, is if after I treat and love you this way, you turn around and get joy out of treating me poorly.

I LOVE laughing. I love making others laugh. I've always been a clown, an entertainer...and I have no shame in admitting I have the sickest and most cynical/sarcastic sense of humor you can imagine. I often don't display it, again, because I respect the people in my life that might not understand I'm merely joking. I absolutely adore toilet humor. There's no way you can gross me out. I actually encourage you to try. So when you see me being all emo and crap, just ignore me, it'll pass. I just need to vent song lyrics or thoughts out. I then reboot and am back to having only one purpose: making you smile.

I do not have a college degree, nor have I ever set a foot in any institution of higher learning after I graduated high school. I do, however, have the capability to learn quick and photographic memory. I am a fast reader and my comprehension skills are pretty sharp. I'm horrible at math, but excellent with puzzles of any kind. I'm a visual person. Sketching, photography, painting, carving, molding...anything I can use my hands for to show you what I'm seeing is in my head is a good skill. I was reading full books by age 4, my first book was Boy by Roald Dahl. It's still my favorite. Very few things bring me more joy than reading, writing and music.

I absolutely despise talking about religion or politics. I will simply nod and not offer my opinion.

I have an obsessive personality. I have intense emotions and a short fuse. I cannot be trusted with money. I'd gladly give my life, if it meant you could live yours happily. All you would have to do is ask.

How many of you are still around?...