Punky B.

I've been thinking about so many things I've wanted to tell you for a while now and a way I can explain what you've become in my life.

I've always been pretty horrible at having friends that are girls. I'm awkward and tomboy'ish, and I for as long as I can remember, I've despised shopping. My mother would have endless fights with me over combing my hair and wearing a skirt or dress. She fought (and still does) to prevent me from sitting like a guy, slumped over with my arms resting on my thighs. The sight of my Barbie dolls sitting nearly intact and always naked or with boy clothes drove her insane. She knew she could always find me outside, chasing the boys and trying to climb trees with them (I was a massive fail at climbing). I never did my make up or wore pink. I joined the boys' basketball team in school, and was one of the tallest/best scoring players. I threw spitballs through straws at girly girls and laughed whenever one of them cried over a boy picking on them.

Through the years I've only had 3 other girls that I've called friends. One's that I would trust with anything and enjoy their company. I'd try to do the whole 'you're a girl so you should...' expected thing with them, but they were nice enough to notice I could not, for the life of me, be persuaded to be anything other than what I've always been. Sure, I went through my boy band phase, and I can sing every song. I had posters with Leo DiCaprio and Brad Renfro on my walls. I had never ending crushes on guys, but never said a word. Since I was another one of the boys, I'd always end up in the 'best friend' zone. Nothing like hearing the guy you secretly adore gush about how much he loves his chick. Nice.

Now I'm an adult, a young adult, whatever you want to call it. Like I've told you before, when I first met you I was absolutely intimidated by you. You're the epitome of all things girl, of all things smart and of all things perfect. Yet underneath it all, you showed me affection I had not been shown in my life in a long time. Sure I have people that love me, but they're so far away from me. My daily life was pretty silent, uneventful. Nothing distinguished one day from the other.

You, ma'am :), have now been in my life long enough seen me at my worst. You've seen what moves me, my passions, my downfalls. You've witnessed what my self destructive behavior is like, alcohol...cutting...ignoring my health issues, and have not once laid judgement on me or tried to snap me back together. I've told you things of my past, that very few people ever will know, including my parents. In all, you've become like the very thing that hangs around my neck, half of a heart. Of mine.

I simply wanted to say, I love you. From the tip of one of your hair strands to your big toe and everything in between. I love your silly laugh when you snort and the way you clip your hair off your face every morning. I love that I can look over at you, in a silent elevator ride, and we both break into grins knowing exactly what each other is thinking. It tickles me when you stick your tongue out at your phone and it never ceases to amaze me how graceful and intelligent you are when you are in a conversation...taking command of it.

Thank you for allowing me to be me, yet still inspiring me enough to see that I am beautiful, just like you. I've never felt like anything special, but you steer me in the right direction more often than you think (primarily away from whorey eye-makeup).

I want for you to be happy. Completely. I want to see you transform into something bigger (do NOT insert a fat joke, I know what you're thinking!) and better. And I want for you to allow me to grow with you, by your side, and build the memories I have been missing all these years. I want you to know, that your words spoken to me - die within me. Because, you have done the same...and I haven't found that in a close friend of mine (boy or girl) in a long time.

Thank you for existing, and for being you.

Oh, and if I fart during one of our sleepovers, well, it just means I really, really love you.