Rebuttal

My friends and I have been having a long standing debate about the existence of true love/soul mates.

Cathy embraces the thought, whole-hearted, of a fairytale love. Unconditional love. Earth-shattering, uplifting, fill your life until the end of time 'love'.

Molly, well I haven't talked to her recently, but it seems she's closer to my side of seeing things. Skeptical, dry, cold. I don't mean any of those in a negative light. It's more of a 'this is what life has taught me so far' way, when it comes to that touchy romance/love subject.

You will notice I didn't use the word jaded up until this point. I have reserved that one for my use. I'm sort of selfish that way. I, without any hesitation in saying this, AM jaded. I've been called such many times before, and I absolutely admit it. 100%.

I could sit here and tell you that, deep down, I will always be an hopeless fool. That I once believed in a soul mate, or just ONE right person for everyone for the rest of your life. The thought is nice, though. To meet someone that makes your world stand still and from that second forward you both live happily ever after. I can continue by saying that there are songs I hear and/or write, which I would love to play for someone I adore, softly whispering the lyrics in his ear; or poems I've read/written that I would recite into the darkness of a cold bedroom, as we lay in each others arms. He would simply look in my eyes and shoot me a breathtaking smile, as I'd strum his favorite song or simply hold me closer to him as I'd whisper Bronte or Neruda into the night.

See? I'm not against love. I had dreams, just everyone else. I tried my best to not lose faith in love, despite every negative experience I've been through. Yes. I've fallen in and out of love several times. Sometimes, I fell out of it rather quick and by my own accord. Other times the decision was made for me, and I never fell out of it.

I tried every approach. The trustful one, where I try my best to let him be the one to make all the choices and have all the space he needs. I tried the 'normal' approach, where I am a girl about it and act like a dumb 15 year old being dramatic (I HATE this one, it's not me). I even tried the one where you change who you are, in order to be what you think he wants. I wouldn't recommend this either. Lastly, I was just me. I'm a balance between tomboyish likes/actions and a hopeless romantic fool. I'm feisty when I feel like it, and shy the rest of the time. I carry my feelings for someone on the tip of my tongue, ready to pour them out as soon as they let me...but most of the time end up failing miserably with my words and swallowing them back.

So this is my rebuttal to life being anything like those stories we grew up believing in. For *me*, Yari, it hasn't been anything like that. It's been lesson after lesson, sometimes learned...most times the lessons are no more than resentful memories. Do I believe love doesn't exist? No, I'm not that far gone yet. What I do know is that it changes, evolving from time to time. It is never the same love you had in the beginning for someone. You grow, and realize a lot of the things you looked for have faded with time. Sometimes they seem like a complete stranger, and you have to WORK to make the relationship work. What defines if it's true love or not is an answer to a simple question: "Is it worth the work?"

Me? I want the poetry, the quiet moments. I want the picking at each others nerdy habits, the encouragement from each of us to be what we've always been, and not pretend for any of our sake. I want long SyFy marathons on the couch, and a night of discussing David Wong in a pub. I want him to have his nights out, his space...and his friends. I want all three of those for me. Not to go out with 'my girls', but sometimes I just want to go sit by myself and think. I don't do clingy, but I do like the cuddling.

My answer is: love exists, in it's own twisted ways. Just not for all of us. Sorry, but when you realize everyone around has it and you don't (as superficial as it sounds), it's a hard pill to swallow.