Insomaniac...

The lack of sleep is getting to me, again.

Ever since I was 14, I have the same sleep pattern. I will sleep 2-4 hours a night (I'm being generous) for 2 to 3 weeks, then on a Friday or Saturday night I will crash. I sleep about 14 hours and start the insomnia all over again. Some nights I'll sleep the 2 - 4 hours uninterrupted, while others I will toss and turn - managing a whopping 30 minutes of deep sleep.

When I don't sleep at all, or only have nightmares if I do...I start losing myself. This past Friday night was scheduled to be my 'crash night'. My body ached, my mind didn't even care to have thoughts anymore and I was beyond emotionally drained. However, when I laid my head down and got ready to be dead to the world, nothing happened. The hours crept by, like a caravan of legless sloths drifting through a quickly drying cement slab. That's pretty slow.

I finally closed my eyes at 6:45 a.m., only to fall of the side of the bed when my 'on-call' work phone rang at 8:16 a.m. On a Saturday. Don't get me started. After that, I received 4 more calls up until 10 a.m. At which point I was an angered sleepless soul on the verge of tears, and I reluctantly decided to just forget sleep altogether and face the day. After much running around, and dealing with that ever persistent empty ache in my chest, I stopped by the liquor store on the way home and stocked up. I was going to sleep one way or the other. Don't judge me, I don't judge you.

I drank and watched New Moon. The drinks were nice, the movie reminded me of how horribly depressed I had been when I read the book in November of 2008. That seems so long ago, and it seems like only last month. Eventually everyone went to sleep, and I laid down half buzzed...hoping for darkness and quiet. I was restless, I got up and walked around the house...even the dog was snoring. I sat on the couch amidst the 2 a.m. darkness, but I didn't want to watch t.v. so I just stared at the shadows the street lights made on the living room floor. I felt sick to my stomach, and the buzz was wearing off...so I grabbed the wine bottle and a few more beers and sat outside on the back porch drinking. It was cold and windy, but the wind chimes and bells hanging from my mom's trees made delicate music. It gave the night a touch of magic in an otherwise dead hour.

At some point the booze was gone, and I was laying on the cool grass. I wasn't drunk, so it made my behavior all the more bizarre. I think I hummed for a while, talked to myself out loud for a bit and thought entirely too much about things that didn't merit it. I saw the sky lightening up, and bursts of orange creeping up on me. No sleep. It was Sunday morning. I reluctantly dragged my bottom inside and laid in bed, to pretend I had slept the whole night and seem normal.

Last night, I got 3 hours of sleep. Yay. I completely bypassed my 'crash' night and started the pattern all over. I'll have to wait to this coming Friday night to see if I get lucky then. Heh. Get lucky. I remember when that used to mean something sexy. Now it's just wishing for sleep.

It took 2 layers of concealer to cover the dark bruises under my eyes this morning. I mean, I like raccoons...but I am not ready to raid trashcans and eat out of them just yet.

I'm losing my mind.