"At least you slept some...that's gotta be good, right?"
Yes. When you put it that way, I guess it is, if you consider sleeping periods of 30-45 minutes at a time, then waking up sweaty and bruised healthy.
I'm having a new nightmare, that started the third night I was in Iowa, a few weeks ago. I don't even know if it's a nightmare and, at this point, I'm beginning to question my sanity. Yes, I had some left.
The first night it happened, I was laying in bed with all the lights off and the window open, the moon was beaming through and giving my hotel room a peaceful blue/purple ambiance glow. I thought I was awake, because, how can a nightmare replicate the room EXACTLY how it looks when I was awake still? Maybe I was in that period where you're falling asleep but still clinging to the awake world for a few more precious seconds.
Anyways, I'm laying there and I feel my bed dip, on my right side (I sleep on the left side of the bed, always), and this big body just lay next to me. Heavy. Almost like a big guy, getting comfortable and sort of resting part of his body against me. Except I just felt the weight, no warmth. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I'm just looking at the ceiling, terrified to look next to me. The moving stops, but the 'body' is still there...and a few minutes later I hear noise.
At first I thought it was someone in the room next door snoring loudly, but the slower I breathed and stiller I got, it became very evident that the body next to me was the one snoring. I've never slept or been with anyone who snores like that. It was very human, which I guess, made it scarier. If it's a scary noise I can say it was a nightmare and in my head...but to feel someone next to you, snoring in a specific pattern and slightly stirring is indescribably horrifying.
Just then, my heart thudding in my throat, I tried saying a prayer out loud. My throat felt like I had strep. The pain was all over, it was swollen and I could barely swallow. My voice was raspy but I managed to start my prayer, and I guess I woke up. The room looked the same, but I didn't feel or hear nothing. However, my throat still hurt...which scared me. I went to bed feeling fine. I wasn't sick. Now it felt like someone had shoved a cactus covered in acid in there.
I guess I drifted off again, unwillingly. The body was there again, the snoring...but something else started happening. I felt myself being moved, very slowly, so that my body was laying horizontal on the bed, instead of vertical. I again, paralyzed by fear, could only be still as my body was completely moved and then slowly pushed up towards the headboard. I felt the cool wood press against the back of my legs and the back of my elbow, and that's all I could take without completely giving into fear and crying out for Mom, Dad...then God. When I said "God please please help me...", my bed literally started shaking, and I heard laughter, and it stopped.
Completely stopped. I'm awake again. My throat hurts worse, my body aches and I just want to cry. I made a few frantic phone calls, everyone was asleep. I told just one person what happened, via text, and he didn't really have any words for me except "Please, be careful". By the time it was over, it was 4 a.m. so, I just stayed up the rest of the night watching something mindless and dull. The room felt quiet, safe enough to sleep again...but I knew it wouldn't be ok.
Now, 2 weeks later, I'm having the same nightmare every night. Everything except the bed shaking and laughter. Mostly because I'm trying to wake myself up every time before it gets there.
I'm not sure if the lack of sleep is getting to me and causing these nightmares...or if the nightmares are what's causing my lack of sleep. It seems it's all in one. I don't want to take happy pills, or sleeping pills...they just jack me up.
One more day. Just have to remember, it's one more day. I love you, all.
"If heaven and hell decide they they both are satisfied. Illuminate the NO's on their Vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark..." ~ DCFC
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