The leaves are changing and the air is crisp, cool, even in the desert.
Holidays are on their way, memories are unrelenting as usual.
I saw my breath this morning and felt the sting in my chest at such a beautiful, breezy afternoon.
I reached for hands that weren't there. I heard laughter I'll never hear again.
My one year review at work is coming up quick, in 3 weeks. I'm nervous.
I haven't written here, because I find I have nothing to say, other than sad things you all already know.
My nightmares are getting worse, I'm sleeping less. I'm pushing. Pushing. Pushing. Receding into my own mind.
I feel like I don't want to go on anymore. Not really like harming myself...much. Just laying here, with my head resting flat against the couch's armrest. Staring at the bright screen and just closing my eyes forever.
I love fall, though. Winter, too. I wish I had more to share. Iowa was okay. Work is okay.
It's the time of year where everything gets ready to go into hiding...to fall asleep. I'm doing the same.
And in the dull, listless existence of it all... I chase the hope for good. New beginnings. The right ending. The one I deserve.
Happy fall, ya'll.
There's something about the sadness of a bleak, cold day that settles right down into the bone that maybe we need to remind us that we're still breathing, still blessed, and can still rise above the gloom to have a better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI know for some that Fall (and Winter) is a dreary time, but even as much as I love the sizzlin' triple-digit West Texas heat during the blistering Summer, I also love the grey skies, brisk mornings, and cool temps.
Hard to believe it's already been a year! I hope that's a good thing. It's not always easy to tell who graces the office because they need a paycheck versus who's there because work gives them much more than a paycheck.
ha. i feel similar. check out my depressing blogs when you get a chance. I hope you are okay. i have been thinking a lot about you lately. Love ya.
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