What's the word I'm looking for...?

I have a problem with words. They don't convey enough when my eyes are clearly bursting with feelings. 99% of people I meet say something about my eyes. They're soulful, expressive, like bottomless pits, sad, secretive and more commonly: beautiful. Is it the color? I doubt it, they're so close to black that every attempt I've made at wearing light color contacts ends up in massive failure (why are we never happy with what was given to us as a default?). Is it their shape? I like their shape. Their almond shaped and with dark thick lashes, no need for mascara. It is because of that shape and color I've been labeled arabic, lebanese, greek? Everything except what I am. But what am I, if not simply human. Woman. One with who relies on her eyes, instead of her words.

In my head I come up with witty remarks, actual funny/smartass remarks, with words I want to tell you, my friend, and when I'm faced with you...they scatter and turn into a stuttering mess. Everyone that's met me online/social network, seems to have a different impression of the person I am. They look at the picture and at the words on the screen, and create this bigger than life personna full of anecdotes and talent. I surpass their mental standards, I'm everything they've ever looked for/wanted in a friend. They can spend hours texting me back and forth initially, they open up and offer their friendship to me, their comfort, a place in their world. But the time comes to meet me in person and what happens?

I am not a photo on the screen. I am not the invincible character with unlimited funnies to be supplied no matter how crappy my day was. I am scared. I feel so much, when I meet people initially. I feel even more when we hang out all the time. It's a loving gratitude that cannot be expressed in words. Hence, I end up a bundle of nerves, stumbling over my words while I look you in the eyes as if to say "please, dont listen to my words, look me in the eyes and you'll see I'm just trying to say 'thanks for being my friend, love ya' and not being a weirdo". But people don't understand that. They meet me and are somewhat baffled that I avoid eye contact, and struggle to talk loud. I play with my hands and fingers incessantly and tuck loose curls behind my right ear.

If you guys only KNEW how much I love poetry, ANY kind. Written word, spoken word, and those words you sing. I have so much to say, and all I have is a keyboard that can't do justice to the beautiful things I wish I could let out of my heart. The sad things that constantly have a need to escape from my chest. I write here, empty words, explanations, rants...with a few 'hits' here and there. Seldom do I write something that means anything, and comes out exactly how I wanted it to.

Actually, this just did. Maybe there is a word to describe the lack of them...

Words are deeds. The words we hear
May revolutionize or rear
A mighty state. The words we read
May be a spiritual deed
Excelling any fleshly one,
As much as the celestial sun
Transcends a bonfire, made to throw
A light upon some raree-show.
A simple proverb tagged with rhyme
May colour half the course of time;
The pregnant saying of a sage
May influence every coming age;
A song in its effects may be
More glorious than Thermopylae,
And many a lay that schoolboys scan
A nobler feat than Inkerman.

- WORDS by William C. Wentworth