Push, Pull, FACESPLAT!

I am often faced with the conundrum that are doors.

Yes. Doors.

I remember a time when a business would take the time to put a nice little sign that would instruct you to either "Push" or "Pull" to open said glass door, granting you access into the establishment. Given to the lack of man power to make such signs, or the sheer enjoyment of the employer at seeing people struggle with doors, this aid is no longer available for the poor unsuspecting me.

We all hate it, don't even deny it. It unleashes a secret fury, an overwhelming feeling of general embarrassment when you make the wrong choice (push instead of pull, pull instead of push) and makes you feel like the only human being unable to work a freakin' door. You know what I mean. You walk up to the place, not a break in your stride, feeling confident and in focus as to what you're looking for once you're inside. You walk up to the door and absentmindedly push it to get inside, only to find you made the wrong move buddy! Suddenly the door literally shoves you backwards with approximately 30 G's of force, loudly clanking and rattling as to make others aware that you have arrived in non-style. You feel the anger raise, and frantically look for the sign that's supposed to tell you not to PUSH, but to PULL. Of course, there is none. In some ocassions the stores even have the little bells that ring when you open the door, eventually open the door, or simply pull it with all your might only to have it ring as it refuses you entry. Again, you feel like giving yourself a giant facepalm. Oy.

I have decided to make a concious effort in order to memorize the workings of the doors in every establishment I visit in town and/or neighboring towns. From gas stations to grocery stores (those automatic sliding doors are also bastards that are broken down at times, leaving you standing in front of them like a child who's been locked out of the house... or in it?), from my building doors at work to restaurants. I refuse to be made a fool again. The Dollar General on 42nd and Dixie? You PUSH to get in. N-Tune music store? PULL, and it's tricky when carrying a guitar case and music book. Hastings? Those bastards. They have DOUBLE doors. The first one you push, the second one you pull. See? Double the chances to look like a jackass.

Doors will no longer stop me. I will remember them ALL. I will push when push is needed, pull when pulling is a must and simply stand there when they're automatic sliding doors that WORK. I'll show them all!

Next time I'll tackle people that put doors that swing open the wrong way inside houses, with doorknobs that also turn the opposite way to open said doors included! Case in point? My parents house. It's a goddamn funhouse in here!