Frackle Freckle

It was so cute and discreet. Just hanging out there, resting right on the soft rise that indicates where my left breast begins.

I had never noticed this freckle prior to earlier this evening. I came home from work, was undressing in front of the bedroom wall mirror and sneaking a glance at my ever changing body. I fixed my bra strap, and looked up at the mirror again. That was the moment it caught my attention, that changed the course of my life-nay!-completely altered the following 2 minutes of my life.

Leaning closer, I studied how sexy that tiny dark brown speck looked against my pale skin. Why hadn't I seen that before? I spend a good quantity of my days observing my rack...How could I have overlooked it? It made me feel so special and I almost fancied someone falling in love with my teasing freckle. Someone kissing it softly, like a hidden treasure that only a select few had seen...

And then I remembered the cookies I had earlier at work, and rather defeated, I proceeded to remove my freckle from my bosom and lick it off my finger. I really do love chocolate chips...

That Being Said...

Today's number is 287,936,945.087

AAH AAH AAAAAH!!!

Once Upon A Time...

It almost seems like the story should always end in '...and they lived happily ever after.'

It's what we're force fed from infancy in countless times in fairy tale books and happy-go-lucky princesses with perfect lives. We move on to soap operas, teen dramas, romantic comedies and soul-mate epic novels; all coincidentally containing very minimal drama (if any), quickly resolved by some cheesy move from the guy (or gal) that required no serious angst to be gone through.

However, the reality of it is that there is no soul-mate. There is no earth-shattering, mind blowing, let's-kill-each-other-in-the-name-of-our-unique-bond love. This bullshit Hollywood puts out, this crap Jane Austen so beautifully wrote...all this nonsense that makes our heart swell with hopes and dreams, that makes us search endlessly for that one who will fill our void; it's all fantasy. Are we really that dense that we believe a guy, single imperfect human being out there will be the perfect match for us for the rest of our lives? They who are equally confused, also searching for the same things we are, also infatuated with unattainable ideals?

What we all fail to realize is that those books that feed our dreams so much, those movies that make our eyes tear up and our hearts wrinkle like prunes...they are merely a compilation of all the PERFECT ROMANTIC moments a person may experience in a lifetime with several people. How can someone go to so many lengths day in and day out to make their significant other fall in love with them OVER and freaking OVER again, with quirky original cute ideas and oh so sweet little details that sometimes take more than a whim to come up with? Shall I elaborate?

These are a few moments in my life that assured me someone was my soul-mate. Ahem. Alex was my first boyfriend, so he already had that going for him. Heh. I will never forget when we were 13 yrs old and he came down with a serious illness, having to be hospitalized for almost 2 weeks. I'd make my parents drive me up there every afternoon after school, and I'd play poker with him until 7 p.m. (visiting hours were over), sitting across from him indian-style on his bed. One day his mom's friend came to see him and asked him who I was, to which he smoothly replied with a grin on his face "my future wife." He reached over and held my hand, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. Even thinking about it right now makes my heart just, swell...and tear into pieces. I miss that feeling. He was not my soul-mate.

But I grew up, and I also can't seem to shake away the memory of David R. when I was 15. We met by accident, he was a cousin of some guys I used to hang out with from church. One Friday night they invited me to the movies, and he tagged along...and he was a red-head (my weakness). We ended up sitting by each other and I swear I could feel the electricity between our arms that were barely touching over the armrests. We'd lean closer, and make some stupid little remark about that god-awful movie, and he'd just linger there licking his lips. Whew let me fan myself! Eventually, he went for it and I probably had the best kiss of my life. Ever. We pretty much sucked face for the next two weeks, and every time it made me feel beautiful, sexy, breathless. Alas, all things end. Specially at that age. He was not my soul-mate.

Ryan, oh Ryan. He was 25, I was 17. We met in AOL, back when you had local chatrooms. We were both guitarists, and lived about 20 mins from each other. So one day we met at the movies, and became best friends, my own little white boy. He loved that I called him that. He was a musician, had been sober (cocaine) for 2 yrs when we met, covered in tattoos and piercings (my parents' worst nightmare) and had underground death metal shows every night almost. Everywhere we went, he always introduced me as his 'lady bird'. "This here is Yar, my lady bird", followed be a delicate kiss on my jaw. That's what I loved most, how someone so dark and seemingly cold, could treat me like a precious, fragile gift in his life. What I'll never erase from my thoughts? When I finally turned 18, I thought he had forgotten about my birthday or wasn't going to make a big deal about it. I went to his apt to play guitar, as was our usual weekday hangout routine, and while I was tuning my guitar he covered my eyes and pulled me to the kitchen. He had baked a cake and decorated it himself (yikes! erm...it was a sweet gesture), 18 pink candles on a black frosting cake, with the words "Happy 18 years you were born for me, Lady Bird." He was not my soul-mate.

Dave. Hmm. Dave. I'll make it short. I had poems. I had songs. I had letters. He was not my soul-mate.

Do you get what I'm saying? The love of one's life...what exactly is it? I'll take whatever I've had in the past, what I have now and what I'll have in the future and enjoy the good in it. The key is finding the one person you can have several of those moments with, doesn't matter if it's every day, as long as you have them. The key is finding someone who is willing to love you even though you are NOT their soul-mate, or what they expected out of real love either. Find someone who will be by your side when the laughs and good times slow down, who can sit by you quietly and not demand from you what you, yourself, cannot give him/her.

I'm not saying you have to agree with me on this, as this view only works for me at the moment. It saves me heartache. It prevents false hopes. It doesn't let me curl into myself out of maddening loneliness, and refuses to let me spend my life chasing after knights in shining armor that more than likely are assholes who wouldn't know love and happiness if it punched them in the spleen.

Ricky proposed to me on the side of a dirt road, by a trash can...

The Soul's Expression-

With stammering lips and insufficient sound
I strive and struggle to deliver right
That music of my nature, day and night
With dream and thought and feeling interwound
And inly answering all the senses round
With octaves of a mystic depth and height
Which step out grandly to the infinite
From the dark edges of the sensual ground.
This song of soul I struggle to outbear
Through portals of the sense, sublime and whole,
And utter all myself into the air:
But if I did it,--as the thunder-roll
Breaks its own cloud, my flesh would perish there,
Before that dread apocalypse of soul.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Forever

I was watching Jim & Pam's wedding on the show The Office. I guess their wedding party had a little thing planned making it look like the youtube video of the couple who's wedding march was "Forever" by Chris Brown and some weird dancing folk. I had forgotten how sad that youtube clip made me, so when it sprung up on me on The Office, even as a reenactment, it made me all gloom and doom.

This is what the clip I'm referring to:

Have you ever been that happy with ANYONE? Is it too late?

Who cares. They were probably divorced later on and Chris Brown is a chick beater. But yeah, I thought it was a cute song along with the happiest moment for some.

On that note, I'm gonna dance my way to the kitchen and bake cookies. Don't feel like writing today.

Does he drive you wild...or midly free?

What about me?...

Work(s) In Progress

I feel that tonight will be quite productive (also, I just got my new Driver's License with my correct legal name so PHEW! - my business trip is on the 16th and it was booked under my legal name and not the name on my passport and/or old DL). I'm working on a story that has to be told, about a rather odd character that seems to haunt my thoughts when I least expect it. I have a few poems, they won't rhyme, but I need to get it off my chest. I guess they're more like things I see when I close my eyes and they sort of break my heart. Enough of that. I'll share some other stuff. But for now? Dinner. Yes. Dinner. It's friday, and I hope you guys are having a good one. Remember, remember the 6th of November. Ta-ta!

I'm late! I'm late!

I'm late for bed.

Sorry I havent had a chance to update this all week almost. The new job is fantastic, as well as the co-workers. I had the fortune of starting right on when "IT WEEK" kicked off, so between yummy meals and awesome team building, I am taken aback at what a positive work environment really means! I take off to Iowa in a week and some days, will be training there for a week, then come back ready to dive in to the wonderful world of servers and support. The place is so much like an episode of 'The Office' everyday, I spend half my time trying not to grin like an idiot identifying people with certain characters. (I'm not sure if I'm Pam or Meredith yet...)

I miss Cath, Scott, Shane and Rob (altho being in the Army limits his time online). I'm so used to coming home with enough energy to sign on and chit chat away. Lately I just have enough time to eat, do some errands and since I've been working full time (I hadn't done so in a while) I am exhausted by 9 p.m.

Hence, I'm late! Late for bed. I hopped on to read my twin's blog, check my email and leave this quick note for ya'll. ...On a related note, I'm watching 48 Hours on A&E (reality show about homicide detectives who have 2 days to find out as much as they can about murders) and the dead guy's nick name tattooed on his chest was "LUCKY". I didn't wanna laugh, but, oh the iron E. Maybe the tattoo was a jinx?

Right. Me. Bed. Tomorrow's Friday so I can stay up late and blog about a few things sorta weighing in my chest and mind. Hopefully I'll catch up online or via text with ya'll. Yeah. I said ya'll. I reckon I did.

Much love, you're all missed.

Words and Stuff

Came across a pretty cool scripture today. Yeah, me, I know. I guess the reason I liked is because it doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, if you are religious or not - it really does kind of hit home.

James 3:8-10 says, "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things out not to be so."

Our mouth, our voice, our lips - we use to declare love for whatever thing we fancy, and we also use it to destroy it. One little word can shatter others' lives...or our own. I have brought so many people happiness with my words, only to turn around to find them cringing as they hear what slips out of me causing so much damage. I have loved. I have loved some very dearly, and then come to hate them when they have said what I least expected, full of emotion behind it...drilling the point in.

I guess I'm trying to say is, we all need to...I need to measure what comes out of my mouth. I don't want something that's associated with good to be associated with pain. It will be inevitable that I say things without thinking and hurt some of you. I'm rambling.

Anywho...

I'm fair and impartial...

So see, just to make sure you guys get where I'm coming from. I liked the books. I wanna bone the dudes that are cast in the movies and the soundtrack to New Moon is very indie and decent.

But come on, people, really. What the FUCK do you need "New Moon" packing tape for? Bandages. Scarves. Duvets...packing tape. This just blows my mind.

So...yeah. No. I'm a twihard, and I do not approve of this crapfest.

Hi

I have no shame.

20 more days.

That is all.

(oh yeah and thanx to www.twilightguide.com for the pix)