I See You

I used to be so in tune with my mind...and I trusted my memory completely.

Long trips were boring. Short trips were boring. Walking around the house alone was boring. Being an only child, was boring. So there I was, finding ways to keep myself amused for as long as I can remember. Staying out of people's way. But I didn't mind it. I liked being alone...having my peace and quiet. Maybe that's why I decided to start memorizing my surroundings, both at home and on drives. Or maybe it was my crazy thought that someday, I'd lose my eyesight. How glad would I be that I memorized how to do everything without the aid of my vision then? Yeah. At 5 years old. I was afraid of going blind.

So I started closing my eyes during the day and walking around my room. Bumping into things, tracing them with my hands and making mental notes to remember where everything was...how many steps it took to get from point A to point B. Then my exploring expanded to the rest of the house, with my mother asking what on earth I was doing now. Now. I was always doing something off setting, I suppose. Soon, I could find my way around easily in my bedroom...around the house...the yard...my grandmother's house...with my eyes shut tight. It made me listen more and I started appreciating the sounds around me...like the wind rustling through the mango tree and how the avocado tree had a humming coming from it, which accompanied with a sharp sting to my neck, taught me to stay away from beehives.

The drives. Again, I would have my head leaned against the back of my seat, in the back of my dad's Oldsmobile. I started off small, of course. Just playing a game with myself in which I'd close my eyes as soon as we took off from our house, and in my head I'd try really hard to place us, without opening my eyes. I'd think "Ok, this curve feels familiar, so we must be passing the corner store and the bright orange house must be coming up...that tree with the red flowers is ahead. When I open my eyes, I will have timed it right and I'll be exactly in front of the tree." I was. The rush of excitement this gave me, to know that if I payed enough attention, I'd always know where I was without using my eyes, was what made this probably one of my favorite passtimes as a kid.

I don't remember, exactly, when I stopped doing this. But I do know one thing.

Tonight, I was coming back from the bar at midnight. A little tipsy, very sad, melancholic, lonely and my phone was dead. I leaned my head back on my seat and felt a smile creep up the corners of my mouth. I knew exactly what I was doing. I took a deep breath and stole one last glance around me before shutting my eyes. The familiar glare from the headlights of incoming traffic and the dull shine from the light posts down the streets. I let my body relax, knowing exactly what move came next...I could see it. Going under the train tracks, veering slightly to the right at the fork...Turning into Pearl Street, I could picture the houses, the businesses, the abandoned field and I kept counting in my head how many light posts we passed, how many seconds more until we'd be reaching Fitch Avenue. I felt the car slowing and slightly turning left and I said "In a few seconds, we'll pull into the front of my house". I counted in my head, felt a few more motions and opened my eyes...

We were home.

I need to listen to my heart. I need to memorize everything I hold dear. In case I go blind one day...I'll still find my way back to it. To you.