LOL...Oh wait...

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'

Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”

- Charles M. Schulz

There's an episode of Friends, where Phoebe has a new boyfriend who is a psychologist. At first, everyone is curious about him and jumping at the chance to get a sort of free consult out of the whole deal. However, later on everyone was getting a tad bit exacerbated at how he always had a way to analyze what they said without them asking for his input. At some point, someone said something very uncomfortable or painful, and Chandler made his usual one liner joker to lighten up the moment. The shrink said "Do you always use humor as a self defense mechanism?", and I sort of made a face at the t.v. Is that what I did? Use humor at the worst possible moments as a way to not cope or deal with what is happening?

Pretty much.

It's very safe to say that I am pretty much useless when people are going through a hard time. You all know the grandmother story...but, I've never told you how my initial reaction to her cancer diagnosis was. By the time they caught the cancer, she went from looking healthy...to being in a wheelchair in a span of two weeks. I couldn't take it. Couldn't get a grip on the reality that was quickly headed my way. This was the woman who was the light of my life, crumbling before my eyes quicker than I could put her back together. So I did the Yari thing, and withdrew. I stopped going to her place altogether, even though she lived next to me and I was there every day of my life since I had been born. I think three weeks went by where I didn't call her or go see her even for a second. When I walked in to her room (because my mother forced me to go) on a Saturday morning, she looked up from here wheelchair and smile sadly, saying "I thought you didn't love me anymore". It broke my heart. It still does. It makes me feel fresh waves of shame wash over me and regret...every time I remember that. I simply answered "It's cuz you're a Transformer now..." Nice joke, Yari.

A few years after that, my best friend Rebecca's dad died in a horrible accident. Terrible death (but aren't they all, in a way?). My best friend...and I couldn't make myself call her or go to her house to offer my love, my hugs, my help...anything she might need. Again, my mother dragged me to her house and made me go up those stairs to face her in her time of need. I was wondering what to say, how to react, where to stand as soon as I got up there. I made it in her doorway and she threw herself in my arms, sobbing and screaming. The pain was too great in my heart and the grief took over...I cried with her. Between sobs I whispered "Now is an appropriate time to get drunk while your mom's home". She laughed sadly...I felt horrible that I had made a joke. Bad, Yari.

Recently, one of my best friends was going through a tough time in a relationship. After dealing with several emotional blows, she was at that stage in a break up where you realize it's all over and that other person really is 'ok' with just letting you go. She was on her knees on the floor, crying out and asking why this had to happen...gasping for air. She completely broke in front of my eyes. She leaned her head on the floor, screaming her heart out and crying some more...and in that second all I could come up with, in my head, was to ask her "When did you take up praying like a Muslim?" Thankfully, I shut my mouth just in time and simply let her cry. Unable to find the words to comfort her.

So on...so forth. I don't know how to say the right thing when it's needed the most. I end up sounding insensitive or like a jerk. I end up seeming like those people who always make everything a joke. I have so much I want to say, in my heart and head, but always seem to lack the words.

If you're one of those people in my life, and I've done that to you...please forgive me. I care. I know it's not a joke. I want to fix it all for you. Make your troubles go away. Make you happy...

...all I have is the hope that I can provide a 'lol'. That and awful gas.