Burden

I'm supposed to ask for help.

I'm supposed to lean on friends.

I'm supposed to be okay.

But I'm not doing any of those things.

I'm perfectly fine providing support, an open ear, a comfortable shoulder, a clear mind...free of judgement for others. I'm okay troubleshooting issues with my loved ones, trying to help them fix things in their life...even though it really isn't my place to even offer my .02 cents at times.

Why can't I give myself to others? Rely on their concern? Believe them when they say they're there for me? Why do I feel like a whiney piece of crap stuck on repeat...burdening over and over with my anxieties, insecurities, depression...pain?

I keep putting up the walls. I keep burying myself deeper and disconnecting. I just want to be okay. Not even good...just okay. I want to get things off my chest and not listen to my brain when it's picturing my friends rolling their eyes at me as I talk.

Why don't I trust anything...

I can't breathe. There's a block laying square on my chest, compressing my lungs. My jaw hurts from tension. My head is pounding. Crying didn't help.

Lexapro, you have failed me tonight. At least keep doing your magic...keeping the dreams at bay...because tonight I can't survive them.

The good ones or the bad.