The Garden Of Love

I laid me down upon a bank,
Where Love lay sleeping;
I heard among the rushes dank
Weeping, weeping.

Then I went to the heath and the wild,
To the thistles and thorns of the waste;
And they told me how they were beguiled,
Driven out, and compelled to the chaste.

I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not," writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briers, my joys and desires.

-William Blake

Things That Make My Day...

Sometimes, just sometimes, I like to take a few minutes to check a few of my favorite websites online and cheer myself up. Sure there's the gossip websites where I secretely stalk the cast of Twilight (shut your mouth Scott). I even go on a few local websites and forums to flame someone or add a completely useless comment to a thread. However, let me show you lovely people my favorite pick of the day for each website I follow:

First off, my from trusty Walmart enthusiasts. The guys at PEOPLE OF WALMART have brought me this gem:

Because deep down, I've always wanted to wear bikini bottoms when I grocery shop.

Next, one of my favorite sites AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTO brings forth a masterpiece that allows me to be thankful that, for the most part, my family pictures are plain and boring:

Sometimes there just aren't words for a family outing...

One can never really have a complete day without seeing some mind-blowing, life-altering, oh so juicy hair sculptures! Which brings me to the wonderful peeps at Don't Judge My Hair, and in this case I'll put a few examples of glorious squee inducing images:

Because, well I actually don't really have a reason for any of these...

And for now I shall leave you with the ever favorite of mine, my friends the LOLcats, which can be found in every corner of teh intarwebz. the moar the merrier! Don't get this lingo? Then you haven't seen enough LOLcats! Take it away!:

So there you have it...this is what I do at the end of the day when work turns my head into A Mexican Chinchilla Revolution.

What amuses you?

The Art of Annoyance

I've found that my foul mood, in most cases, is directly connected to how in control my blood sugar is. If it's very high, I tend to get snappy at everyone for no reason. It's something I had heard about from reading up on diabetes and noticed on my father when he was first diagnosed. He used to be jovial and the life of the party. Nothing could ever dampen his day. His life crumbled or tragedy struck our family? Leave it to dad to find humor in the situation and lift everyone's spirits. When he started with diabetes he always seemed on edge, tired and oh so irritable. His feelings would get hurt over any little thing. He didn't laugh much anymore.

I was semi ready for the body changes and side effects to diabetes. Never these mood swings. Yikes! Sometimes just looking at someone makes me want to kick them in the face until I feel content. My fuse is so short. I snap at my loved ones at the drop of a hat, immediately feeling crappy for saying things. Sometimes it's too late, the hurt has been done no matter if I apologize. I get annoyed easily some days, too easily. Sometimes I'm trying to think of something while I'm writing or having a convo with a friend online, and I get interrupted for a silly comment or question...and I totally blow my lid. I don't mean to react that way, but you just made me lose what little concentration I had (another side effect) on what I was doing so you can tell me about an awesome joke you heard today and...what's that? You forgot how it goes? My brain just turned into mush. Sometimes I had a crappy day at work, cleaning up messes left and right while answering THE most idiotic questions a human will ever hear. So when I get home and all I want to do is NOT think about work or answer irrelevant questions...yeah you're gonna get the wrath of Khan err Yari.

Of course, who else would be at the end of these blow ups most of the time if not my father. Two diabetics, two people that can't take a joke lately, oy! He wears his feelings on his sleeve and I find every comment he makes as a direct attack from him. The other day he said he didn't like the artwork I put up on my walls because the dude was smoking. SMOKING. I can see him being blown away if I put up an angelic woman riding Satan on top of slaughtered puppies. I'd agree with him even. This is a black and white sketch of a guy walking down a sidewalk, with the city's night skyline behind him and a cigarette in his mouth. That's it. You have GOT to be kidding me. So I took that as a direct assault on MY freedom to like whatever the hell I like. He was simply stating he didn't like it. I felt like ripping him to shreds.

This is how almost every day had been for the past 2 years. So lately, since my sugar is back to acceptable ranges, everyone around me notices a "change". Oooo! Aaaah! Magnifique! I do find it less and less irritating to be around people, I smile more and I even spend time with mom without having the left side of my face melt. I'm more calm, and yeah I notice it too, I'm patient for anything that arises.

That is until a few minutes ago. My parents called me and said they forgot they had a doctor's appointment and would not be able to bring me my lunch. I come into work at noon. They called me at 11:56 a.m. when I was 20 feet from my office.

Dad: "Go and get you something before work."

Me: "I can't be late, so I guess I'll just eat snacks till I get out."

Dad (with mom doing chorus in the background): "You can't start skipping your meals, get something before work."

Me (feeling the anger): "I would've if you guys would've told me earlier. Now, I can't. Don't worry about it. See you guys later tonight."

Mom (grabbing phone): "You should get something before you go in, because I was reading...(2 minute speech about diabetes facts I already know involving skipping meals). So, go get something before work."

Me: "Listen, I cannot physically go. I cannot be late. I have snacks, I'll be fine. Let it go."

Mom (yelling): "See? I knew you weren't gonna take care of yourself for long. You always start up good and get off track. You are so irresponsible, I just can't believe you are so lazy that you can't get lunch for yourself. What are you gonna do when we're dead? Starve? Jesus, Yari."

Me: "I'm at work, I gotta go." *click*

So I'm sitting here cussing up at storm and I literally feel like punching a baby or something. My irate mood skyrocketed out of here after 30 seconds of that phone call. I haven't been this angry for a few weeks and I don't like it. I checked my sugar and it's normal. However, I have developed a schedule for eating in the past 2 weeks. It is my lunch time and there's no food in my belly. So I'm gonna blame this outburst on A) my hunger and B) the fact that i'm about to turn into a salad bowl in the next few days. Breathing.

So how's ya'll's Tuesday?

Click Here to see I'm not the only one being a Cranky Pants!

Diabeeetus Update

Just wanted to give you all a minor update on my medical stuff. Yes, I know, you are at the edge of your seat waiting for it.

My sugar levels have finally stayed under 200 (normal range should be between 70 - 120) yesterday all day. Hopefully once the antibiotics kill off the strep infection I'm having those levels will continue to go down. I'm down to about 1200 calories a day, sometimes less. I'm walking every day, up to 45 mins to an hour. I seem to enjoy walking at the park more, gives me time to think and the music on my playlist seems to make my mind drift away into a world where walking is not mindsuckingly dull.

Breakfast consists of some "diet bread". Nature's Own has sliced wheat bread, 2 slices have 19g of carbs which is excellent. I usually have a sugar free pb and sugar free strawberry jam sammich in the am with one egg (usually scrambled). My sugar seems to not go so high when I have that. Oatmeal seems to raise it inmensely, even with fat free milk and splenda. I've developed a sleeping pattern and I wake up every day at the same time for breakfast. That has helped inmensely, having some sort of routine. For snacks I usually have a sugar free Jello cup or 1/4 cup of lightly salted roasted soy nuts. Also acceptable for a snack is a slice of bread with 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. For lunch and dinner I alternate between salads, soups and salads, baked potato and salad, 4 oz of grilled fish-chicken-beef w/ steamed veggies and *gulp* salad. I've cut down my Diet Coke intake to once a day. Overall I'm trying hard to take care and not go on insulin. I've lost 3 lbs since last Tuesday. Yay me!

Here's a sample of my playlist when I'm walking:

"Kiss You Better" - Maximo Park

"Superman" - Soulja Boy (yes, cue the eyeroll, this isn't my normal type of music lol)

"Guayale el Mahon" - Wisin Y Yandell (what can I say, I'm ghettotastic)

"Us" - Regina Spektor

"Supermassive Blackhole" - Muse

"Tierra del Olvido" - Carlos Vives

"Neon Tiger" - The Killers

"All I Really Want" - Alanis Morissette

"Tears in my Beer" - The Specials

"Tessie" - Drop Kick Murphys

"Hey Ya" - Outkast

"Tilt A Whirl" - ICP

And any array of Pearl Jam/The Editors/Pink (yes I said Pink)/some dance-electronica :)

I'd keep listing but it's luncho time, and here it is:

Well I'll be damned...the hokey pokey IS what's its all about...

Every now and then I get the joyous phone call from a friend of mine, that leaves me in an aggitated and dumbfounded state of mind for the rest of the day.

She has her kid, a fairly OK life, going to school, a roof over her head - you get the picture. Yet somehow she finds NO joy, not even a teeny tiny bit of it, in anything. She's used to getting everything she wants, she's used to a certain lifestyle and sooo used to attention - from anyone that will give it (resulting in compromising situations and unecessary drama). She's a bit older than me, not too much. Yet, there she is in all her glory refusing to open her eyes and realize real life is NOT a fairy tale nor will it ever be.

There is no soul mate romantic novel love in real life. There is, however, people you fall in love with - for good or bad - and start a relationship with. You hope for the best, things work out or don't, then you either strive to move past the bump on the road or call it quits. Everything you want in life requires effort. She sits there crying on the phone how she's so alone (her babydaddy left her after being treated like shit by her and she ignored him all the time while keeping her head up in the clouds dreaming of Mr. Charming), and how there's nothing good about her, woe is her! I calmly tell her, "what about J (babydaddy)? Have you tried mending that? He loved you, he wasn't perfect, but he loved you". She then goes on a rant about how he didn't understand her and meet her needs and bought her flowers and folded the towels the right way blah blah. I pinch the bridge of my nose, cuz, you know it, the nosebleed is coming.

She then moves on to how she's life's own little joke. Nothing ever goes right, she hates her life. She has nothing, she's so miserable, how I'm not being supportive and telling her what she should do. I tell her what she should do, she then goes off and says she can't do that because abandoning certain habits (the ones CAUSING ALL THE DRAMA!!) because that's all she has left and all she looks forward to. Sigh. She says "I wanna be happy like you! Why can't I have what YOU have?". My voice sort of shakes with anger and before I can stop the word vomit from spewing at her, I blurt out "You think my life's perfect? That I'm happy? What kind of person are you? How selfish can you be? Don't you realize you're not the one you should be thinking about anymore? You're lil daughter is sitting there playing on the floor by herself demanding your attention, and you're involved in endless gossip and drama and texting and just plain ole ignoring her. You have a CHILD. Someone who NEEDS you to GROW THE FUCK UP and realize, HEY! What do you know! This IS all there is to life!!! I refuse to believe you're life is miserable 24/7. Refuse it. We're all tired, we're all dealing with pressures. We're losing houses, spouses, our bodies to ailments, jobs, dreams and everything else in between! My life is FAR from perfect, my life is FAR from happy. But dammit I'm trying, and all it took from me was to WANT to change it. I could've chosen to lay over and let the water sweep over me. God KNOWS that's what I want most of the day. But I look into the eyes of my loved ones and realize its not about ME. This is growing up! Experiencing loss, disappointment, a sense of constant confusion about what's our next step. So I'm sorry if I'm all out of pity party juice, but you have a roof over your head, government aid for food and other things so you don't have to work, they PAY your babysitter so you can go to school and they even pay your schooling! I can't afford ANY of that working myself to the ground! AND THAT'S OKAY! LIFE DOESN'T END BECAUSE I'M CONSTANTLY LOSING THINGS!"

She was crying by the time I was done, and being the nice person I am, I immediately apologized and told her it didn't mean she couldn't complain or even feel depressed about certain things. We all have the right to feel angry, frustrated, resentful or anything else we might be. It's our right to sometimes shake our fist at the sky and say WHAT ELSE?!. It is our right, to sometimes wish we could run away far from anything known. However, when exercizing that right becomes a constant way to live our life and affects those around us, that's when it's time to suck it up and realize our situation could be much much worse. Because I know if I had a kid, a second spent seeing them smile is better than any day spent 6 feet under. We're all gonna die, we're gonna have miserable times at some point...so why rush into it? Cry. Yell. Be Angry. Loathe. Miss. Love. Do it all, but also take a few minutes out of your day to find one little tiny positive thing. If you have kids, just look at them play. If you don't, look outside and find something that will at least temporarily keep your mind off the current situation.

I'm not saying it's perfect or it always works, but it can't be any worse than replaying the negative stuff over and over in our heads. You can't run away from real life. It'll follow you wherever you go. You'll realize that if every new venture you start, ends down the same path and with the same results, nobody else is the problem. You are.

She assured me she wasn't giving up and she was gonna spend more time with her baby and school and this time she really was gonna be strong and go for it. Honestly? I'll hear from her again a month from now when she calls me stating she fell for a new guy that seemed perfect and GASP! he broke her heart and why is she hideous and repulsive and blah blah ... some things, will never change. I wash my hands and resign myself to listening with cotton balls stuffed up my nose.

Ah, Woe is Me, My Mother Dear

Ah, woe is me, my mother dear!

A man of strife ye've born me:

For sair contention I maun bear;

They hate, revile, and scorn me.

I ne'er could lend on bill or band,

That five per cent. might blest me;

And borrowing, on the tither hand,

The deil a ane wad trust me.

Yet I, a coin-denied wight,

By Fortune quite discarded;

Ye see how I am, day and night,

By lad and lass blackguarded!

-Robert Burns

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I was diagnosed with type II Diabetes in November of 2005 at the age of 21.

I already suspected I had it. It started with the frequent trips to the restroom, every 20 minutes to be precise. The unyielding thirst was unebarable. Nothing would make it go away. I'd constantly drink water, sodas, milk, juice...anything to make the dryness in my throat go away to no avail. I had a constant cold-like fever, chills, bone ache that wouldn't disappear with tylenol. Needless to say, when I finally went to the doctor and she came back with the "you're a diabetic" diagnosis, I wasn't in the least bit shocked.

Still it was scary to hear it and to have all this new set of rules thrown at me. For one thing, I am terrified of needles. So obviously, checking my sugar by pricking my fingertip 3 times a day was my main incentive to change this. The first 2 years after that I was on a strict diet, constant excercise and it got to the point where my sugar leveled off perfectly and I didn't even need the medication. Being the smart gal I am, I considered myself cured of all evil! I started sneaking a burger here and there. I found excuses to not work out. My mind warped itself into the following motto: If it's ever high again, I can just diet and take the pill for a few weeks and be ok again. I stopped monitoring my sugar levels, out of sigh out of mind. Until it became pretty evident, I was living life like a "normal" person. I ate, drank and did whatever I wanted. Until last Friday.

Long story short, I had an eventful stay at the local hospital's ICU floor. Everyone that treated me from nurses to doctors to lab personnel could not believe I had been so irresponsible. That I was 25 and was literally playing with my life. The pain was excruciating, my body was ready to quit but I guess I managed and now I'm out of there. When I got home, I think I finished the last 2 stages of grief over this. I got in the shower and cried and yelled and cried some more because it has, indeed, dawned on me finally. I am a diabetic. For life. There is no cure. This is not the end of the world, naturally, but it is the end of a lifestyle and the end of whatever I found comforting before. It's either the fresh start or a quick end to me. I have since been checking my sugar regularly (5 times a day) and slowly trying to get over my fear of poking myself. I have been walking every night (my feet are so tender and they hurt - another fun diabetes side effect). I am getting lots of sleep (miracle new pattern for me) and have spoken to my boss and set up a new work schedule. I'll only work afternoons.

That last one will put a financial strain, so for now I'm moving back to my parents place and saving a few hundred on rent and utilities and using the left over money to pay off some bills I'm extremely behind on. However, I feel so much lighter. I don't know if it's the kick in the ass life gave me or the loving words I've gotten from my family and friends while sick. Wanna see a few? Lookie!:

Scott: "ARE YOU GONNA START TAKING CARE YOU FUCKIN IDIOT?!"

Cath: "YARITZA IRIZARRY! I AM TYPING THIS IN 32PT FONT BTW!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!"

Ricky: NO MORE MUFFINS. (that was hitting below the belt)

Mom & Dad: ...endless ramble

Rob O'Daniel: "DID I NOT WARN YOU ABOUT THE NURSES?!"

Mike (guitar teacher in a note): "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT CRACK AND START TAKING CARE. LOVE YOU."

Shante: "OMFG I WANT TO CHOKE YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO YOURSELF?!"

Rob Mileage: "WHY YOU! WHY YOU! I SHOULD PUNCH YOU!"

Can ya feel the love? So much anger and foul violence. Alas, it is that kind of talk I respond to. I thank ya'll for checking in on me and loving me. I love ya guys, and please keep me in check. Also, if you find delicious diabetic recipes...send em my way! Till next time kiddos :)

"Diabetes is caused by melancholy" - Thomas Willis

The Secret's In The Sauce

Last night was a quiet, empty night. I had no dreams, I simply slept.

Or so I thought, because as I sit here at work staring at my candle, I am being bombarded with images from last night's dream.

I dreamed of a bonfire burning green flames on the wet sand, and it was just me staring at both it and the ocean behind it. It was night, and not much else could be made out except the shimmering ocean reflecting the clear night above. I looked back at the fire and there was a body burning atop the driftwood, I couldn't see the face but I looked at his blackened hand and there was a wedding band around it. Instinctively, my hand raised to reveal a matching wedding band and something in the night whispered what I already knew. I was a widow. I sank in the sand and watched him burn, wondering why I couldn't remember his face and what would I do now without him. I threw my bottle of liquor at the fire, shattering it and making the flames leap up high towards the darkness.

I leaned in and kissed his burnt forehead, the fire didn't touch me for some reason, and said "I'm sorry". I felt as if I had made his life miserable to the end, and he died loving me more than ever before. The sound of footsteps and voice made me search around for a place to hide. Nobody should see me there, after all hadn't I killed him? Broken heart, cause of death. I couldn't hide fast enough, and I saw his friends coming up to the scene. The taller one saw me, and quickly ran to my side, pulling me close in a tight embrace. He was crying and asking me what would happen now. He looked in my face earnestly, solemnly, with eyes that searched for an answer or requested permission. For what? I looked away and into the flames, all that was left now was the ring sitting on top of ashes. That's all that was left of something that breathed, loved and existed solely for me. I looked down and my ring was gone, but I was still alive.

Nothing comforted me. So I just walked into the black ocean...and when the water reached my chin, having trouble touching the ocean floor beneath me, I kept walking and took a big breath of air before letting myself drift off.

Makes no sense. I guess that's why I didn't remember it when I woke up this morning. To be honest, it would've been better if it had stayed in my subconcious mind next to the countless things I can live without thinking about.

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." - Oscar Wilde

My parents. They deserve better....

But they are just a drop in a sea of similar stories of what's become middle America.

My mother had an injury at work that tore her meniscus on both knees, chronic digestive problems (they can't figure out what gives her pain and heartburn after 6 years) that is resilient to every stomach medication created and has now been diagnosed with osteoporosis (which I kinda suspected for a while now). Because she is over 50, she needs to be taking estrogen and calcium, but because of her upper GI issues, she can't take any medications and she has developed allergies to EVERYTHING. She'll drink water sometimes and break out in hives and get pain and heartburn. She can't stand for more than an hour at a time or two because of her knees and arthritis. She can't sit for longer than 30 mins to an hour because the osteoporosis has broken her tail bone several times. She's used to being active, she want's to work. She can't find work that allows her to sit and stand like she has to. She receives NO aid from county or federal in any way.

My dad has chronic mental illness, some days he functions - most days his depression is devastating. He's been working full time since he was 14 yrs old in Puerto Rico (which is a US Commonwealth, BTW), and always paid his taxes and Social Security...up to the age of 45. Hence, I have no issue nor do I feel ashamed in saying he is on Social Security. He didn't fake it, he actually can't work. He receives his 'pension' of $980.00 on the first of the month, and here is where I break down their expenses.

$186.00 Mortgage (I pay for it)

$300.00 in Medication for him (diabetes, hpb, depression)

$150.00 Electric

$50.00 Water

$20.00 Gas

$100.00 Mom's HBP meds

$100.00 Groceries for month

$40.00 Gas for car

$300.00 Car Payment (my dad's credit sucked and that's the lowest they could find to pay to have something to move around in.)

I have NO idea how much more they pay in medical bills ($5 to $10 towards old hospital bills).

So that brings the total to approx. $1226.00 in monthly bills for 2 disabled people. Do you see where I'm going with this? They make ends meet by taking odd jobs like cleaning my house, my mom cleans houses, my dad mows grass on good days. Anything.

Lately, my mom keeps getting gov't doors shut in her face because she doesn't qualify as a 'low income' citizen. She too, has been working since she was 15, paying taxes and never had her or my dad so much as tried applying for unemployment. Low and behold, now what do they do? They don't qualify for anything except my dad's social security check. Various agencies sit there and seriously tell them they can live on less than $1,000.00 a month.

I am an only child, I can't share this worry or burden with any sibling. I can't call my sister or brother up and say "Hey mom and dad have no groceries. I don't get paid till next Monday, can you get them a few things?" or "Mom has an appointment for a mammogram and she's scared, can you go with her while I catch up on overtime?". Anyone who knows me, or has known me, I often gripe about my parents being weirdos but deep down I would do anything for them. I don't consider them an obligation, all I do for them I do for love. They're not a note in my agenda "Meet with dad for a beer Tuesday between 6 and 6:30 p.m."..."Call Mom on saturday between 9 and 9:30 am to see how she's doing". I am constantly checking in on them, I try to make the quality of their life better with what little I have left over after my debts and monthly bills. Sometimes I have nothing for me, but I slip a $20 or more in my mom's purse, and she refuses to accept it! She reluctantly says "fine I'll do your laundry and clean your house", to which I say No (unless I really need clean undies)...I'm trying to help her so she can rest!

I have to sit here and see corruption left and right. See people get financial and medical aid just because they lied on key questions during a welfare interview. You sit there and deny my mom the chance to detect early cancer with a colonoscopy, but give $1000 extra a month to Tammie Jo or María because she's a "single" mom? How can she afford that latest cell phone she has in her hand, look at that nice manicure...is that a designer bag? Where are your investigators that follow up on families that request help?? I'm not asking for money even! I just need you guys to help me. I'm a young adult who doesn't qualify for home buyer's grants, so I rent. I'm a young adult who has medical expenses that my insurance can't cover until I meet my ridiculously high deductible, only to have my bills denied as a "pre-existing" condition. I'm a young adult who brings home less than $22,000.00 a year, and still makes ends meet and supports her parents to an extent.

You're telling me you can't cut me some goddamn slack and at least help me with a BIT of my mom's medical expenses? Give her SOME sort of backup so that doctors can schedule her testings and procedures without rolling their eyes or flat out saying NO when seeing she's a non-insured person?!

Spit on all of you who abuse the system without need, just because you're too lazy to do what millions of other people around you do - WORK HARD FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. SHIT on all of YOU that help them cheat, sitting in your gov't positions KNOWING people are scamming ya and you look the other way. PISS on all you bureaucrats and politicians that have one hand on the Bible swearing to fight for the American people and the other hand deep inside the pockets of your insurance company buddies and federal aids funds.

“Power corrupts. Knowledge is power. Study hard. Be evil.”

Happy Birthday, Daisy J!

I met you by chance
I loved you by choice.
You make my soul dance
my feelings rejoice.

A bond quickly formed
With trust that grew strong
My life you adorned-
you're my heart's song.

On this brand new day
I celebrate the the birth
Of my sister, Daisy Jay,
and her place in the earth.

(i love you, im feeling pretty gay right about now lol)

Curiosity killed the Me

4chan is not usually a site I frequent... So why did I feel the need to discover what this boxxybabe crap was about? Why did I look her youtube up? Why must I always go on a quest for things that should've been left out of my brain. Forever I shall be haunted by this creature.

...and now, so will you!