Why are YOU running?

The squeaky hamster wheel, noisily going in fast circles. You'd think the poor little critter would realize it's getting nowhere no matter how fast it runs. It's life is not moving forward. There is no real reason for it's tireless race, yet it's something mindless and automatic to do, in order to feel something is being done in life. Instead of laying over and waiting for things to happen, I guess.

We all run from something, at some point or another in life. Maybe the expectations we set for ourselves were met and we became bored with our reality. Perhaps the path we chose to run in was based on a decision with our head, not our heart - or vice versa. Routine and apathy can completely ruin a relationship, jealousy can demolish it. Are you giving someone a reason to be jealous? Feelings don't just appear out of nowhere. Resentment, frustrations from work, I could go on and on. Or maybe we just like the thrill of the run. It makes us feel alive. Sometimes, the realness of our feelings shakes us to the core. Consumes us with 'what ifs' and fear. Naturally, it's easier to run away from it than face it. Leaving behind countless of burned bridges, or stories without closure.

With everyone we meet in life we are either the runner or the refugee. I've been the runner, and in a way still am. However, I keep mistaking my refuge. My tower. My safe place. Somewhere I don't have to run from anymore. I keep running into other runners, which forces me to stop on my tracks and become their safe haven. I am here to provide them love, devoted care, someone to lash out to when they're having a bad day (it happens, I understand) or simply a place to rest the weight they're carrying. I don't mind, except, you guys know how I am.

I live for caring and loving others. I see you hurting, and don't even know how to NOT hurt with you. It's none of my business, none, what you're going through. But it IS my business that someone I love is hurting or being hurt by someone. It doesn't matter if my parents rule my life through guilt trips, or if my friends use me only when they have time and no one else to run to...I will always be me.

But it hurts me when you continue on your race, and run away from me. Because I provided you with the best I could give you, no questions asked. I only hoped for you to open up to me and see that I really DO just want to make you happy.

It really is okay to run. We all have to, in order to survive and evolve into what we may become someday. It just sucks we use people as stepping stones, when we could easily take them along for the ride.

I've been running. I need a place to stop and rest. Can you be mine, for a change?

I don't want you, to give it all up

And leave your own life, collecting dust

And I don't want you, to feel sorry for me

You never gave us, a chance to be

And I don't need you, to be by my side

To tell me, that everything's alright

I just wanted you, to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough, to show you that I

Was willing to give, and sacrifice

And I was the one, who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away

There's nothing that I can do or say

So now I need you, to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you.

Happy Day I was Born: I am 26

I learned the last of my lessons yesterday. It hurt briefly, then I resolved myself to not see it as me being dumb enough to fall, but as smart enough to cut it out of me quickly...before it spread like gangrene. I am and will be whatever you need. No hard feelings.

I spoke with someone last night for a few hours, about how I felt and something I did to myself during the day (yes, I'm a cutter, relapsed briefly). I didn't want to talk about it, but he practically forced me to spill the beans. I spilled, and cursed at him for making me talk about it. We are not particularly close, and we get our kicks mostly out of talking trash to each other, but at the end of the conversation I had no choice but to admit we care about each other in our own way and that I'm thankful for those surprise people in your life. My wrists are healing, and so am I. Life starts over every day, and like he said - and I'm glad he understood me - it is an hourly/daily battle for people who suffer from depression, anxiety...etc. We try hard, we don't enjoy being emo, but sometimes it gets the best of you. What's important is getting back up. I'm up.

So the clock hit midnight, and the texts and tweets started to pour in...even a few mins before it was time. All I wanted to do was lay on my mother's lap and have her comb my hair like she used to. I asked her, she said she was tired. So I laid on the couch, in the dark. I answered everyone happily, gave thanks and only God saw that I was crying. My mind wandered towards the dark paths you shouldn't let it go to. I missed my grandmother so much, then I cursed a few names. I pushed those feelings aside and just focused on my dog's warmth against my legs. I tried to match his breathing, nice...slow...deep. I slept. I had dreams. The usual ones. I woke up crying.

I walked to work, excited to see what Shanidy had gotten for me and to answer Bday wishes on my social networking sites. I got messages from high school friends, my cousins and a few internet chatroom buddies I've made in the last 10 yrs. I got 2 sweet messages from my 'lil bro' Shane and 'big sis' Cathy, who I missed most today. Last year I spent my bday with them in Boston. It was epic. Shanidy got me a chain with a charm in shape of half a heart and half the phrase 'Best Friend'. I cried, naturally. Then I looked at our clothes at the same time she did...and we lost it for about 5 minutes. This:

Completely unplanned. With the matching nail polish, also unplanned. Sometimes, life is funny...and makes you smile. Alex sent me a gift certificate to the movies too, yay!!! I have other gifts on the way I've been told, so I'll update ya'll on what's up with that.

Tonight I decided to meet with the guys (Star Trek/RPG guys and Kyle) at BWW to have wings and booze. I need to not think about anything other than nerdy things for a while. They're always nice to me and I'm sort of their pet n00b. It's nice.

So when I get home, I'll catch up with some of you and then ask mom again if I can lay on her lap. I'll ask her to tell me the story of how I drowned when I was 2, and someone saved me at the beach. Maybe I'll ask her to read me poetry, like she used to do when I was little.

God is great, beer is good...and people are crazy. ~ Billy Currington

All In A Year...

Isn't it amazing what can transpire in the course of a year? 365 days. Life seems to zoom by so fast day by day, that it's almost mind boggling to go back and realize everything that has happened.

In a year I've loved, lost, loved again and lost. I've started a new career, I've lost weight, I haven't slept well, I've gained new friends and lost many more. It's been a year since I met some people from a random chatroom for the first time in person. Since I've seen the ocean, my dear Boston Harbor. Since I've fallen asleep listening to raindrops hitting the forest outside my sister Cathy's house. Since I sat around a fire pit, under the night sky, and played guitar with a dear friend - who's now longer a friend.

In a year I found out that what I thought would kill me, didn't. That I manage to rise over and over, stronger, colder and isolated. I've learned that...I don't learn. Irony. That even though deceit is staring me in the face, I turn my blind eye towards it and continue to hope for a change. That I still, a year later, haven't learned to forgive the right people and not just everybody.

I've lost family members back home in Puerto Rico, and the weight of not flying over there for their funerals is heavy on my shoulders. They raised me, loved me and were my friends growing up. Here I am, in foreign grounds, and not putting flowers on their burial plots like I should've.

I've rediscovered my love for music and took guitar lessons. I also, can no longer afford them. All in a year. I have been going to a psychologist, and also am thinking of quitting that. I have learned things about my father that I wish I hadn't. I have seen friends shine, and fall broken. I have wept with them, and loved with them. I have seen concerts under the West Texas desert sky with them, and stared them in the eyes as we hoped those nights would never end.

I have learned, in these 365 days, that even though I declare myself to be alone and isolated...there's always hands out there, pulling me through and always having me in their thoughts. I have people that love me, unconditionally. Even if I push them away, they know it's my way of saying "I'm drowning, come help me. Don't leave me." That even if I disappear for days, months...they welcome me back, with the same warmth. Without judging me or throwing in my face that I've been a bad friend.

In a year, I've visited new places. Mostly by myself, and sometimes with my new friend. She's managed to be one of the only 4 girls I've ever trusted enough to let in during my life. In a few months, she's managed to make me care about how I look, not in a conceited way...but in a way that shows I love myself and always should. (Who knew I had such passion for lip gloss?)

I've been in ICU, and I've worked out to Zumba. I've gotten horribly drunk one too many times, for the wrong reasons and I've learned to allow myself to mourn my losses.

So here's to 25 years almost being done. In 2 days I will turn 26. New beginnings. I hope this next year, I can love fuller, smile more and see Boston again. I want to camp in the desert and have a silly girls' night in. I want to be loved, for who I am and how I am. To make you all smile and show you how grateful I am of every one of you. Even the ones who have or will hurt me...because...Cathy can attest to this: I see things coming. I've called things long, long before they happen.

So I ask for love and honesty. That's all I want this year.

Be happy. Be blessed. Be true.

Why Can't I Fix It?

When I was a kid, my folks figured out really quick that spanking me or taking away my toys never worked as discipline. Ever. Mom would beat me until she was exhausted, always with anger, and I'd make a game of it. Stare her in the eyes, smiling (and CRAP did it hurt), just to get a raise out of her. To show her "I am not afraid of you or pain." Dad seldom hit me, I was his princess...so I really had to push his buttons for him to hit me. I'd do the same thing, he'd sigh and leave me alone. Until the day came when my mom was so disappointed in something I did, she completely ignored me all day. Brutal. I was going NUTS trying to figure out why she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. Wouldn't be in the same room as me. She figured out the Yari secret.

In school, I only fought once. When I was 17, I beat up a boy I liked. He didn't like me back, never did. But he'd sweet talk me whenever he needed his homework done, or to cheat off me on a test. I'd try to stay mad at him, feeling used, but a few sweet words and a kiss on my cheek and I'd be putty. One week, he stopped talking to me...completely. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't sit next to me in class or sit with us at lunch. I couldn't figure out what I did and it was consuming me. I'd try to be extra nice and give him his homework already made before he'd ask for it, he'd simply turn around and walk away, looking very mad at me. I had like this guy for 3 years, one of those 'out of my league, popular' guys. (This is his story: http://thesqueakyhamsterwheel.blogspot.com/2009/09/fat-lady-has-sung-memoir.html) Finally, he spoke to me, on a Thursday afternoon. It was the middle of biology class and the teacher, who looked remarkably like a frog, was talking about how some things in nature just don't belong together. He turns and whispers in my ear "See? Some things just don't belong together. Like me and you. Never gonna happen." I must've been blinded by fury, but I immediately felt my knuckles breaking his nose. His pretty nose, smashed. I had been so worried about the silent treatment, thinking how I could fix it...and all this time...yeah. Douchebag.

So this is me. I always assume I've done something wrong, when I'm not talked to for long periods of time. It's just how things are. The sun rises, rain falls, the earth spins, Yari blames herself. Facts.

It's hard for people to understand why I apologize so much. Why I blame myself for something I have nothing to do with. I guess it's my way of explaining why things happen or why people leave. It's a hard concept for me to understand that your choice to NOT talk to me or stop being my friend has nothing to do with me and all to do with you.

I will sit there, and rack my brains out going over our conversations, thinking I said the wrong thing. Maybe I wasn't there for you? Maybe I was around too much? Did I make sure to always remind you how much I care about you? Did I bring it up too much? What's right? What's wrong? Why am I not good enough? Blah blah. I'm working on it.

Because it's not me. I'm just textbook material. True:

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Am I saying that my behavior and way of seeing life sometimes is now excusable because someone decided to give it an official name and definition? Absolutely not.

I can choose to be different, to learn from the past. To let go of this need I have to make everyone like me. Of wanting to be everyone's rock. Will I? More than likely not. That's a side of me I like a lot. That I can be caring, no matter how I am treated by those I'm striving to help and love unconditionally.

Does being forgiving and trusting with the wrong people make me naive or stupid? Perhaps. But I think my friends were right. We learn something from every experience, and hopefully one day we'll have the required answers that fail us today.

Today you have learned what is my eternal nemesis: The Silent Treatment. But, perhaps I should just realize, that the silence is not empty. More is being said to me through it...if I just paid attention.

P.S. I am still 98% cooler than what you think I am.

Cathy, Shane and Molly

I just about laughed and cried just as hard reading ya'lls replies to my blog.

Cathy...My God woman how can one be pessimistic around you? I love you. I'm happy I met you. And I want you to remember those words if you're ever sad again. Even if we're gray and old when you are. I sincerely doubt it. But I love you. For everything you are and everything you believe in.

Molly...Truer words were never spoken. Thank you for always taking the time to read my words and being honest with me. Trust is indeed, earned. And although, I gain nothing from being jaded and whining about how everyone's a disappointment...I absolutely LOVE that you understand how awesome it feels at times to say "I knew it". It's the little joys. I love you too, my cher. And although I'm no longer around in chatland, you and my siblings are something I will cherish forever. I love you more than I love my luggage, most definitely.

Shane...WOW. Just...WOW. I haven't laughed like that in a long...LONG time. I miss you so much. Thank you, because, you're right too. They're all probably nice guys somewhere. I need to let go of the hate and learn. Simply learn. LOL God.

I love you all very much. Thank you. I wish you all happiness and blessings with everything in me. <3

How 'Fairy Tales and Porn' Failed Us...

And also, how we often fail ourselves.

I've been called jaded quite frequently this past year, especially the past few weeks. I come off as this hardcore skeptic that has lost all faith in mankind and it's potential for good. I whole heartedly agree I am jaded. I don't see it as a negative trait, honestly, but as a self defense mechanism.

I seldom allow myself to have feelings towards people, and yet here I sit openly admitting I go through spurts of opening up to new people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Hard as I try to go through life thinking everyone's out to hurt me in some way, I always have that little voice inside me that says "Maybe...maybe this one will be different."

I blame all this on the books I read and dreamed about growing up. Movies I watched with unrealistic happy endings that don't exist in real life. This is real life for you:

Guys: 98% of women are attention whores. They're all talk. They claim they're not like everyone else you've ever met, but they all have the same traits. It's science. The question is, what are YOU looking for in a woman? Guess what, all them things those chicks do in porns? They look like they enjoy it...well yes, they get paid to do that. They get money and possessions as a trade for making you feel like you're Eros. If you find a girl that likes to do that for free? Guess what...you're not the only one she's ever told/done that too. You'll get one of two things: a clingy chick with attachment issues, who's only pleasing you because she's afraid of being alone and unwanted or you're getting someone that you mean absolutely NOTHING to, and wants to satisfy you enough to get something out of it. I know you don't care. But life's not a fantasy, hombre. For every action you do, every word you say, there is a consequence. No such thing as free ego strokes. Someone always gets hurt.

Girls: Do you really think you're the first one he's said all those pretty words too? That he was wondering through life in a haze, and now that he has you he's suddenly found a reason to live for? That you are the first time he's ever fallen in love? Let's get real. First of all, you're not the only one he talks to in his life. Sure, maybe he loves you, but you know how it is, ladies. You keep eying everyone he talks to or communicates with like a hawk. "What did that ';)' he sent that chick on Twitter/Facebook/whatever mean??" Insecurities. We all have them. Mostly because we've given some of them enough trust and space in the past, and they took that a sign to make 2 or 3 girls his objects of affection. Let's boil it down to, once again, needs. Guys really only talk to us due to the possibility of getting off with our aid in the near or far future. The fact that they find someone with their same tastes, with smarts and a good sense of humor is what makes them want to connect any further than that. There is no Westley from The Princess Bride. Life will NEVER be like The Notebook. Ever. Get it? All you can hope for is that someone out there is willing to accept that you, aside from wanting to bone them, love them and are willing to overlook their flaws.

There is NO way to ever trust anyone, without getting hurt at some point. We all make mistakes. Sometimes you will do the hurting, sometimes they will. But I think we're all grown up now, and the least someone can do for another is be honest. If all you want is a piece of ass? Say it. If you're just looking for someone to be your escape from a dull life? Say it. You have no idea how much I'd appreciate it, if new people I meet would just tell me from the beginning "Yeah, I'm totally gonna screw you over." Because, I can be detached too. You want me to only be around when you need me? Say so. I'm pretty good at giving people space. What I don't appreciate is when I'm only constantly here whenever YOU have time.

Life's a big, ole, fat game of chance. Sometimes you find what you've been wanting you're whole existence. Most times you get an endless parade of asshats and attention whores that care nothing about you. You're another number. You're another pretty word. You're another 'I love you'. You're not feeling anything that hasn't been felt before by billions of others.

So let's all go ahead and put our big boy and girl undies on and appreciate what little good, REAL things we have in our lives. Leave the dreaming for when you're sleeping. It hurts less, and you come off way...WAY less silly to others.

Good morning, world. Good morning.

What I Wish I Would've Told You - Pt 4

This one will be short and concise.

You're a player. I'm not even going to say you're a player in the 'relationship' sense, because you wouldn't know what one is, if it knocked you on the head and pinned you to the ground. Besides, I'm talking about a friendship here.

You play with words, emotions and people's time.

You use to your convenience and needs. All I can say is I hope it was good for you, and that your heart was full and you felt grand.

I'm done feeling like *I* am the one with the warped view of what a friendship is. I am done being made feel like I ask too much, when I require next to nothing out of you. I'm just a nice little toy you put on the shelf until you're done with everything you feel is more important, more valuable.

I'm so understanding? I'm so patient? I'm such an amazingly sweet person? I'm a dimwit.

Best of luck.

Song: "Throw me a Rope" ~ K.T. Tunstall

It Happens, Oh Well

Walking through the cemetery

I stumbled on a scene, dreary-

Rain began to reach the ground,

When I heard the mournful sound.

I saw the angel gently weep

On churchyard steps, broken deep-

I heard the cries through hollow walls

Her sobs filling empty halls.

I knelt beside the broken wing,

Who'd beat about this loving being?

White, pure robes soiled with blood,

Her knees and hands covered in mud.

“Dear, are you well?” I asked softly

Reaching to fix her hair gently-

I felt her tremble, flinch away

Her golden eyes full of dismay.

“I saw his light, and blindly fell,

For him I faced the darkest hell.

I gave up heaven’s peaceful choir,

To be his object of desire.”

Cradling her body, fragile glass,

I held on till her last breath passed.

Never knowing her source of pain,

I kept on walking in the rain.

Droplets mixed with my own tears,

The world seemed dead, full of fear.

No one will love, like she did –free –

Nor give their trust so willingly.

My heavy steps slowed to a stroll,

Her absence taking such a toll –

A broken angel’s body told,

How this world leaves the bold.

~Y.I.P 2010

Your Girl

"There's my girl."

"How's my girl?"

"You're my girl."

"You're amazing."

"You're the best thing that's happened to me"

"I'm so lucky."

"You make me happy."

"You make me want to be better."

"Hey, sorry, I've been busy."

"Sorry I can't talk right now."

"This is how I am, I can't change."

"It's only been a week, you'd know if

something had happened to me."

"Sorry, no time to answer emails or texts."

"Fell asleep."

"What do you want?"

*silence*

*silence*

*silence*

*wait* *wait* *wait*

Remember when I was your girl?

Or just that I was a girl?

Remember when your girl didn't push and just waited?

Or just that a girl would always be there for you?

Remember when your girl requested one small thing?

Or that a girl needed you when you didn't feel like it?

This girl deserved what any girl wants.

Your girl is gone.

Will You Stay or Will You Leave?

I am numb.

What do I say here, that matters anymore, to anyone?

In one hand, I am encouraged and I have the RIGHT to say how I really feel. To be honest, to be blunt, to not bite my tongue for anyone...wouldn't that be considered part of being a confident woman? Of being real with you and letting you know exactly where you stand?

On another, people don't really seem to know how to deal with my honesty. With me telling them how I feel about them. They want me to pretend to be okay about something I'm really not okay, and they want me to read their minds sometimes when I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Communication. That's the key with me. I don't do clingy. But I do like to be valued, loved, appreciated. I want to know that I am missed. Communication. It takes 2 seconds, but makes me happy.

So here's the deal...I am a person of very intense feelings. When I say 'I love you' I mean it. I don't throw it around like it's the easiest thing in the world to admit. I am passionate about the people I care about, and will easily turn my back on the world to defend you. So, I give you the space you want and need. No questions asked. If I do ask, it's because because I want to make sure you're okay...that's it. I'm not forcing anyone to tell me what's going on. I'm not snooping. I'm not trying to 'push' anyone to do anything.

I'm simply me. Caring. Worrisome. Loyal. Forgiving. Yari.

So should I really be apologizing to you for worrying about you? Caring about you? Loving you? Should I be apologizing for feeling hurt when I am treated like some sort of disposable, back burner pal? No. I have the right to feel everything I do. It makes me human. Doesn't make me weak or needy or whiney.

I have so much...SO much to offer. I can be the best thing that ever happened to you, if you stop trying to just use me whenever it's convenient.

Choose your stance. Do you want me in your life or not? These past few weeks have been the ones ideal for people to disappear. So I recommend you do so now.

Because I'm working on making myself a better person every day, even if it doesn't seem like it. And if you weren't here when I was at my weakest, you sure as hell do not deserve me in your life at my strongest.

Stand back. Watch me go.